The Untold Terrors of the Ring, the 100 Fanfic
by BlodreinaBeauty
Summary: No one knows what really happened when Raven, Bellamy, Emori, Murphy, Echo, Monty and Harper were on the ring. I decided to explore what happened from the time they arrived until the time they go back down to Earth. This will include Memori scenes, Murphy in a coma, Marper scenes, Bellamy sad over Clarke, and maybe some Becho (but I don't like it). I don't own anything 100. Review!
1. Chapter 1

Chapter One

Third Person

"Alright, everyone! Come on!" Monty shouts from the main room where they had already pulled over a table, big enough for everyone.

Bellamy and Raven had been looking down at Earth. Bellamy had been struggling to keep his thoughts away from the one person that they want to fall on.

"Do we get our first meal yet?" Murphy asks as he walks in with his arm around Emori.

Bellamy takes a seat in the furthest space from the rest of them, not feeling like talking to anyone right now. He watches as Echo places herself far away, standing with her arms folded, always waiting for something bad to happen. Monty and Harper look like they are on their honeymoon, staring at each other with hapiness.

"What's up?" Raven asks.

"I have a proposition," Monty says.

"Oh great."

Bellamy watches from afar as the scene unfolds.

"We should make ground rules," he says.

"Don't you mean space rules, Monty?" Murphy asks.

"Yeah. Okay. Ring rules."

Everyone waits for him to explain.

"First one, time," he says and then looks to Harper. She nods her blonde head and continues for him.

"Let's not talk about how much time we've been up here. That means that we can stay away from being worried about what's going on down there or how long it is going to take us to get back down," she says.

"Privacy," Monty says.

Harper explains again.

"We each get our own room, or shared room if you want. And we don't go in each other's rooms. If were in there, you can knock but we can have time to just be alone."

"The love birds would make a space sex rule," Murphy mumbles to Emori. She smiles at him but the others are already moving on as if he didn't say anything.

"Third, food. We all eat together."

"Why?" Bellamy asks with his arms over his chest and his body leaned back. Everyone can already tell that his casual demeanor has changed to something much more worried and serious.

"It will give us time to talk about anything we want to as a group. If we are going to get through this, we are going to do it together," Monty says.

Together.

Clarke.

Dead.

Bellamy pushes his chair back and stands up. He is about to leave when Murphy grabs his arm.

"If I have to be here, you have to be here," he says.

Bellamy shrugs him off.

"Bellamy, we're almost done," Harper says.

"Let him go," Raven tells them.

But it doesn't matter. He is already gone, storming off to the room he chose further from everyone else. Echo shrugs and starts walking away too.

"Where are you going?" Monty asks.

"If he doesn't have to be here, why do I?" she asks.

"Because he's mourning his best friend," Raven says. Echo looks a little confused but then leaves anyway.

Raven sits down and puts her head in her hand while the other two talk back and forth. Emori and Murphy stay for a while but everyone knows why they aren't talking about Bellamy. He is different. He will always be different now. His sister is changed. She's down there alone. His best friend is dead because of him.

He has no one to lead or order. He has no one to save up here. He has no purpose.

After the rules are stated and the conversations are back to something almost normal, Raven slams her hand on the table. She can't take this pretending.

"What?" Harper asks.

"We are not just going to pretend that Clarke didn't die," she says.

"No. We're not," Monty agrees.

"Is anyone else sad about that? She was not just our friend. She saved our lives! Over and over again! She made hard decisions. Decisions that no one else wanted to make! She chose her people again and again so that we could live! And she died so that we could live," Raven says with anger but there is a sadness behind her voice that all of the others hear too.

Monty nods. Harper looks down at her hands. Monty takes her hand but she is still sad. She had never loved Clarke like the others did but she did recognize the sacrifice. Emori is nodding, staring down at the table. Even Murphy has his arms over his chest and is not making eye contact.

"Raven's right," Monty says.

"So?" she asks.

"So we should honor her," he says.

"With what? A funeral?" Harper asks.

"Maybe. Yeah. A time where we can each say our goodbyes to her. She meant a lot to us. She was our friend. She was supposed to be here with us," Monty says. "Just like Jasper."

Harper puts her arm around his shoulders.

"You think Bellamy will come?" Harper asks, looking to Raven.

"I don't know," she says but then hears something break and another thing smash. There is a loud clambering sound. Murphy looks up and Emori looks shocked. Harper stands up but Monty just puts his hand on her arm, bringing her back down.

"Shouldn't we see what that was?" she asks him.

Monty shakes his head and then looks to Raven. She puts her hand over her hair.

"It was Bellamy," Raven says.

"What?" Harper asks.

Then Raven turns to Monty when she hears another loud bang. A fist hitting a wall no doubt. A deep, horrified scream.

She feels tears in her eyes but she is not ashamed when she looks up and sees Harper the same way.

"Bellamy needs to come. He has to," Raven says as the banging stops and everyone pretends like they can't hear the broken cries of their friend as he begins to lose his mind.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter Two

Bellamy

The first thing I throw is a useless chair in the corner of the room. It hits the wall and doesn't break. I throw it again. Nothing. I don't feel anything but anger.

I take the chair in both of my hands and hit it against the wall a few times. Over and over again. For Clarke. For leaving her behind. For never telling her the truth. For always being too scared to be with her the way that I wanted. I was stupid and fearful and pathetic.

I deserve this pain.

I slam the chair against the wall until the chair legs break off and fall to the ground. But that's not satisfying. I turn around, raged and flip the table over. Unable to be stopped I turn back around to the wall. There is nothing else in here for me to smash but me.

I am the one that deserves it anyway. I hit my fist against the wall. It hurts but it isn't enough. I hit it again, harder and harsher than before. I scream when I hit the last time, just wishing it would break. But it doesn't. I hit again and again. The pain reminds me of seeing Octavia's sword on the ground.

When she was dead. When I thought that she was really dead.

I hit the wall again, screaming this time. But nothing happens. I pull away, not able to hold myself up anymore. My legs are shaking. My body feels like it's not even mine. It might be empty.

I scream.

I don't care who hears me. I don't care who thinks differently of me. I don't care if no one ever hears me again.

I put my head on my knees as I fall over onto my own body.

Clarke told me so many things. She was there for me all the time. But now I'm not there for her. I let her go by herself. I almost never let her go by herself before. When I let her go after she kissed me, I was scared but I shouldn't have done it. I shouldn't have let her go to that satellite by herself. If I could do anything again, I would stay with her. I would die with her. I would rather be dead with her than here alone.

After a few hours, when I don't hear voices in the hallways anymore, I am sure that they have gone back to sleep by now. I make myself stand, wiping my face off with my arm in case I see someone on my way back. But my heart is still aching. I won't be able to push myself to being okay any longer. I don't know if I am ever going to be okay again.

I walk back to my room as quietly as I can. Raven is sitting outside of her room on the floor. I look at her and then pass her. I don't have time to talk to her right now. I don't think I will be able to get passed the first couple of words.

"I'm not gonna ask if you're okay," Raven says. "I'll give you a little while. But you can't be alone forever, Bellamy."

I nod and enter my room.

There was a time that I felt bad for Raven. There was even a time when I was with her. But now I can't see any of that. She is my best friend. But no one is Clarke.

I lay down on my bed, feeling empty. I look to my side. I can practically see her beside me. Her hair splayed out on the pillow. That face she makes when she first wakes up. The way she stirs in her sleep. I would always nudge her and pull her closer.

The way she would wrap her arms around my waist.

When I would wake in the middle of the night with terrors, I would try not to be upset. She would put her arm around me and we would talk until we were okay again.

I was almost never alone when I fell asleep. When I was, I didn't like to actually sleep. I wanted to feel like I was safe. She kept me safe. And for the most part, I kept her safe. We were partners. Jaha said that I kept her stable. He was wrong. She kept me stable. And now I don't have anything to stabilize me.

When she was gone, I went crazy.

I killed an entire Army. I joined Pike. And it was all because I didn't have her at my side to help me lead. Now I have that again. But this time, I am never going to get her back. I can never learn to forgive myself like I had to once.

I don't even pretend to myself that I am not crying. I know that I am going to feel that way for a long time.

I lost my partner.

I left her behind.

I killed Clarke.

And now I have to live with it.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter Three

Bellamy

I stand in the back, away from the others. I don't want them to see me when I cry. I know I will. For a while I was angry. One week of being alone and angry. I still am a little. I will never forgive myself for leaving her behind. But now I'm more than that.

I'm mourning my best friend.

Echo walks in, late and looking as if she doesn't care. She stands on the corner beside Raven, who is already staring at the ground, as if the rest of us can't see the tears in her eyes. But she is like me. Strong. She'd rather be angry than be sad. At least then she knows what to do with it. Being sad just hurts.

So much.

"Bellamy, do you want to go first?" Monty asks.

I shake my head.

He nods.

"I guess, I will then," he says. "We asked you all to come here because we think that we should talk about what happened down there. We want to heal while we are up here so that when we go back down, we are different people."

"No more blood for blood," Harper says beside him, holding his hand locked in hers so tightly. I can think of a million times Clarke did that when we were alone. When she would hold my hand as I woke or how I would do the same for her. Now I sleep alone. Or rather, I sit up and stare at the wall alone, wishing I could sleep. Begging sleep and never receiving.

"We want to start with Clarke," Monty says.

I wait, watching them both and wondering how long it will take before I cry.

"She was a strong person. I yelled at her once for making the list and not putting Harper on it. Now that we are here and safe, I realize that she hated it as much as we did. But she was willing to do it when we weren't. We were too afraid. She saw what needed to be done and she did it. I might have made it possible for her to pull that lever in Mount Weather, but she and Bellamy were the ones who did it. I never would have been able to. When she told me she had to leave before she told Bellamy, I knew he was going to be hurt. But I let her have that because of what she did for us so many times. I felt like I should give something back to her. Her final sacrifice for us was noble but Clarke wouldn't see it that way. She wouldn't even want us talking about her like that. She would just want us to be happy up here. She would want us to live."

Monty nods, looking around at each of us. I know he is right. I bite the inside of my mouth and stare at him, blinking the tears away. When that doesn't work I wipe my eyes with my hand. At least I control it some. He is not looking at me though. He is looking at Harper.

"I don't think I have much of a right to say a lot about Clarke. But when we came down, we were nothing but the 100," she says with a smile. "Sometimes when I saw her, I saw that sixteen year old who was angry at Wells for lying and was in love with a boy who she had to kill. But I also saw someone who was constantly willing to help us, to avoid the next fight, to do what little damage she could, so that she could save her people. She was probably right not to put me on that list. I was upset about it. But I realize why she did. She liked Monty and me but she was thinking about everyone. Always thinking about everyone but herself."

She pauses and Monty puts his arm around her. She leans close to him and then continues with a sniffle.

"And I know she didn't put her name on that list," she says, looking to me now. I try to look away but she is sad. Her eyes are tearful. I think about Clarke just last week on the ground. Crying in my arms. I bite harder, tasting blood.

"Monty told me it was you. He saw the list. He saw your handwriting, not hers," she says.

I nod to her.

"I'll go," Murphy says, raising his hand. His face is a level of control I have not seen before on Murphy. He actually looks sad for her. He might not have liked her all that much but we forget. He saw her at her most vulnerable. No one else did.

"I never liked Clarke like the rest of you. I never like anyone that much. Everyone thinks she's heartless or that she wants war, that she kills because she thinks it's okay. That's not true. I was at Polis when Lexa was killed. I watched Clarke beg her to stay alive. I watched her try to save her life. I watched her be in denial, sobbing and begging. A human should never have to feel that," he says and swallows but his eyes are locked on mine for that last part. I try to pretend they aren't. But I can still feel them. "No human should have to feel that."

I look away.

"Clarke and I had our differences. I'm not going to pretend that we were friends. But when it came down to it, after I saw how she was when Lexa died, it was worse than when she killed Finn. She was just trying create peace and she created chaos. I told her that I was sorry and that no one could understand it. I wished that maybe we could've talked more. Maybe I could've helped her more."

Emori puts her arms around his waist. He kisses her forehead and squeezes his eyes tight, almost as if John Murphy might actually be upset over someone other than himself. But it is gone in an instant, almost as if it was never there.

"She saved my life. She was willing to die for me. I don't know why. I'm a Fikdreina. I'm worthless in the eyes of everyone except for John. I know you all accept me but no one has ever been so ready to give themselves for me. Clarke did it without even blinking. She took off her suite to give to me because she didn't care if nitblida worked or not. She just wanted me to live. I can never repay that debt. But I wish I could," Emori says, squeezing Murphy a little tighter.

I can see them from here but I can almost feel Clarke's arms around me. When I am sitting on the edge of the bed, her arms wrap around my waist, her lips brush my neck as she speaks soothing words to me. When she ran into my arms all those days ago, worried that I was dead. I held her like I had never held anyone.

She was mine.

And now she's gone.

Raven clears her throat and then looks at me. I shake my head. She gets the idea.

"When I first came down, Clarke was sleeping with my boyfriend," she says, making everyone laugh. I even give her a smile. "Let's just say we weren't great friends. But then she tried to save my life when Murphy shot me."

"I'm still sorry, Raven," Murphy says, looking genuine. I wonder if Murphy is in a rare mood or if he is actually sad about everything just as the rest of us are.

She looks to him and nods.

"I know." But then she goes on. "When Clarke killed Finn, I was devastated. We weren't friends for a long time. I knew what she was doing was the right thing for her people and I knew she was sad too. I just couldn't bring myself to be as noble as her. She saved me again when they took my bone marrow. If she and Bellamy hadn't pulled the lever, I would've been dead. We worked together a lot more often than I thought we did. I never forgave her for killing Finn. But I should have been thanking her. He would've got a lot worse if she didn't. She saved my life again with the EMP. She was a good friend."

She sniffles and then looks to us with a frown.

"We have to do well here so that we can prove to her that her death was worth it."

Everyone looks to Echo.

"I don't believe I have a right to say anything. But my people saw Wanheda as a threat because she was willing to do anything for her people," she says in a strong voice. "Yu gomplei ste odon, Wanheda com Skaikru."

"Bellamy?" Raven asks.

I step closer to everyone, realizing that my hands are shaking. I put them in my pockets and stare at their faces. They are all waiting for me to give the final act of closure. I knew her better than everyone else. I should be the one to do it.

I have to be brave enough for her.

"There are a million things I wish I would've said to her. At first, Clarke hated me. I was a bit of an ass. But we worked together through everything. Our first act was banishing Murphy, but he deserved it." I get a small chuckle, even from Murphy. "She asked me to go on the day trip with her. I thought she wanted it to be Finn. But the truth is, we were the ones who worked well together. We made the best decisions together. Over and over again we had each other's back. She killed Dax so I could live. She saved Octavia because she knew I would want her to. I didn't let her pull the lever at Mount Weather alone. I forgave her for leaving. Countless number of times, if I was there, Clarke was there. The head and the heart, working together."

I take a deep, shaking breath, realizing that I am losing the fight with these tears. There is a pain deep in my heart. A pain because it can't function the right way. Not without the head.

"Jaha told me that I kept her steady. That's not true," he says. "She kept me steady. She knew it. I know it."

"Everyone knows it," Raven agrees.

"Without her…" Tears fall so I turn around and wipe my face off. I won't let them see it.

I feel a soft hand on my shoulder. Dark skin. Raven. But I don't turn around. It's not the hand I want. I sniffle and cough, making myself hold it all back for just a moment longer. I can't say the one thing out loud that I want to say so badly.

I turn back around but Raven doesn't drop her hand. She is crying too, which makes me feel okay.

"I miss you, Clarke. I miss you so much," I say in my tears.

Harper breaks down in sobs against Monty's tearful face. Emori buries her head. Echo walks off. Raven cries into her own free hand.

These are my people now.

They were ours but she left them to me. She trusted me with them. Her fight is over but mine is not. I have to try. I have to try for her.

"May we meet again," I say.

"May we meet again," they repeat.

When the tears are gone and people have realized that they have to get back to work, they begin dispersing. I stand still as they leave. But Murphy walks by me and stops when I look at him. He looks serious.

"I'm sorry, Bellamy," he says. He puts his hand on my shoulder. "I know you loved her."

Then he is gone.

I realize, he is the only one that has ever actually said that out loud.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter Four

Bellamy

She has been knocking on my door for a long time. I hear her everyday. It's been more than two weeks since I've seen anyone other than to get food. And even then, I barely feel like eating. Instead, I have sit here thinking of nothing but Clarke.

"You're not the only one here who's lost someone, Bellamy," I hear her on the other side.

"You're not the only one who gets to sulk," she says.

I ignore her. I don't have the capacity to think about what she is trying to prove.

"Finn was taken from me. Jasper from Monty. Murphy's parents. Emori's brother. Echo's clan. So many people were taken from all of us, Bellamy. If you are going to sulk, you can at least talk to me," Raven says. I decide that she is not going to leave me alone this time.

I walk over to the door and open it. She stares looking shocked but happy. She pushes her way past my arm to get into my room. I close the door and look at her. She stares at me as if deciding how I am doing just by my appearance. My face is scruffy. My clothes are sweaty. My body feels weak from lack of food. My eyes are tired all the time but I can never sleep. My face is puffy from crying. My hand is red and swollen from punching.

She sits down in the chair in my room. I sit down on the bed across from her and wait for her to say anything.

"You like hell, Blake," she says with a nod, leaning back in her chair.

"I've felt better."

"We all have," she agrees.

"What are you here for, Raven?" I demand. "I don't feel like having any visitors."

She nods but the look on her face is not at all sympathetic. She can't give into that.

"Finn was my family. He was my best friend. He was my boyfriend. He was the only person who knew me. And without him, I would have died on the arch," she says with honesty.

"What's the point of this?" I ask.

"When Finn was killed, I screamed and cried. I was devastated. You held me until I could remember how to stand."

I nod, looking down at my hands.

"I just want to help you. You helped me."

"How?" I ask.

"Clarke was your best friend. She knew you like no one else. Finn was the same way."

"She knew things no one did," I admit. "I'm not telling you how I feel, Raven. You know how I feel."

"Yeah, I do," she agrees. "So tell me something else. What was your favorite thing about Clarke?"

"What?"

She stares at me, waiting for me to answer. This might be the most painful thing that I will say out loud. And I am going to do it in front of Raven Reyes? I don't think so. She took comfort in me once after Finn broke up with her. But we can't do that now. I can't do that with her anymore. I remember it but I haven't thought about it again until now.

"My favorite thing about her was that she was unafraid to know me. She wanted to know me. She wanted me to work with her, to find the best solution we could, together." I bite my lip but it does no good. I wipe my hand over my face and lean my elbows on my knees. She inches closer to me the way Clarke used to.

"My favorite part about myself was Clarke," I admit through tears.

Raven hitches her breathing, as if she was surprised about what she heard. She turns to me, putting her hand on my leg so that I have to look up at her, blinking my tears down my face.

"My favorite part about myself was Finn. But when I didn't have him, I had to find my own purpose. You'll have to find that now too."

She holds her hand out and I take it. Arm to arm, we stare at each other.

"This is not going to be easy, Bellamy," she says. "But if you shut out the entire world, you are going to regret it. You need friends and family. You have them here."

I nod.

"Raven?" I ask.

She looks at me.

"Did you sleep with Finn? Not like sex. Like next to him, with him," I say. I know it sounds weird but right now I don't care. She is right. We have been through a lot together. We can be family. We should be. I trust her. I have trusted her for a long time.

I don't have anyone else to talk to.

"Yeah," she says, nodding. "I used to sneak into his room or he would come into mine when my mom wasn't around on the Ark. And again on the ground in the tents."

I nod, creasing my eyebrows together.

"Did you feel weird without him?" I ask her.

"Very. Lonely. Weird. Scary even," she says. "It hurt worse because of the situation. When he was dead, I felt like I couldn't do anything right. I was afraid to sleep without him."

I nod.

She puts it together. She raises her eyebrows and then leans forward on her elbows.

"You and Clarke?" she asks.

"Just slept," I say clearly. "But yes. Don't say anything—"

"I would have no reason to," she says. I trust her. I trust that. "It's gonna take a long time but you will heal. I'll make sure of that."


	5. Chapter 5

**On the ring, John Murphy goes into a coma. This is before when he is sick from Monty's algae. ENJOY!**

John has been vomiting for hours. I haven't told him how afraid I am. I haven't told him how much I want him to let me take care of him. I am too afraid of all of it. I hear a knock on our door. I open it, knowing that John is not going to leave his corner until he stops throwing up. It's Raven.

She puts her arm around me and leans her head in on John.

"You okay?" she asks.

He gives her a thumbs up but I shake my head.

"I'll be right back," I tell him.

"I'm fine here," he says. "I've walked the streets of the Dead Zone with a virtue seeing Jaha. I've got this."

I shake my head, wishing that he would stop lying to himself about how much pain he is in. It is not just the vomiting. His stomach has been in pain for hours. He was practically crying earlier when he was holding onto it in our bed, laying down with his eyes clenched.

I close the door behind me and stare at Raven. She can tell that I am breaking with him.

"We have to figure out how to stop this," I say.

"I know," Raven agrees.

"We need Clarke."

Bellamy turns the corner just then. I see him bite the inside of his lip. He clenches his hand into a fist at his side and then stuffs it in his pocket to hide the shaking like he always does. I didn't mean for him to hear me.

"But we don't have her," he says in a broken voice.

"Well we need someone with medical experience. I'm a coder. You and Echo are fighters. Harper's a shooter. Monty and I are tech people. Emori and Murphy are scavengers. We have no medic," Raven says. "No one with experience."

Bellamy runs his hand down his face.

"He's losing fluid," he says. "We need to find a way to get fluid back in him."

Raven looks sad but also brave. She looks right at Bellamy, stepping toward him.

"Do you remember anything from Clarke?" Raven asks.

He looks at her with some anger behind those sad eyes. But it is clear that he wants to remember.

"Let's go somewhere," he says.

She nods and then looks back at me with a question on her face.

"I've got him."

I go back into our room and close the door. John is sitting on our bed with his sweaty head in his hands. I sit beside him, putting my arm around his body. He leans into me.

"I don't feel sick right now," he says.

"Good."

He looks up at me. His face is pale. His body is weak. But he is still John Murphy. The cockroach. The survivor. The scavenger.

"This isn't as bad as the bunker," he says.

"Why?"

"I was surrounded by wine, which dehydrated me and crackers, which were revolting just by themselves," he says with confidence. But it is broken, just as he is.

I put my hand on his sweaty hair. He closes his eyes but then flinches, leaning down to hold his arms over his stomach. He groans and curls in on himself. I try not to feel bad or worry. He hates it when I do that. But its hard to hide it. I keep my arm around him, hoping that might do something to soothe him.

"Emori," he mumbles.

"Yeah?"

"I ever tell you about the biological warfare?" he asks.

"No."

"When they banished me from the camp, after all that torture, they let me lose. Basically, I had something Clarke called a hemorrhagic fever. I was bleeding and coughing and felt like death."

I wait for the next part.

"Basically that's what this feels like without the blood," he admits.

"Oh John," I say, resting my head on his shoulder. I am not going to pretend like I am not afraid for him. I am. He is the only one that I have up here that really understands me. Echo is from the ground but she is just as different from me than Monty is. I am not like them.

"I'll be okay, Emori," he says.

He is trying to comfort me when he is the one in pain.

I pull him with me so that we can lay down together. He curls in on himself again but I wrap my arm around his back and nudge my head on his neck. He smells of sweat and sickness. But it does not bother me at all. I am used to such scents from the ground.

We lay there for a while in silence with each other.

"It's so loud here," I say.

"What?"

"The machines. They're so loud."

"Oh yeah. I guess living in space had me used to that. I miss the ground already," he says.

"Me too."

"Emori?" he asks. His voice sounds far away, almost like he is trying to hide something. It scares me. He never hides anything from me. I pull him a little tighter.

"Yeah?" I ask.

"If I don't make it—"

"No. John. Stop it," I demand. "You are not giving up on me. You're a survivor, John."

He turns around so that I can see his face. He looks sympathetic. His trembling hands sits on the side of my face as he looks at me.

"I am not giving up. I am just trying to tell you that if something happens, you have to keep surviving," he says.

"Alright. That's enough," I tell him, feeling like any moment now I might feel like crying and I don't want to do that.

He nods, understanding.

"Get some rest," I tell him, kissing his forehead.

He sleeps for hours in my arms. It makes me feel good to have him so close. The next morning when I am about to leave, I nudge him. He doesn't wake up. He doesn't move. I nudge him again. Nothing.

"John?" I ask.

"John!"

"JOHN!"

Nothing. He doesn't move at all.

I panic. I lean down to his face. I put my hand on his chest. I can still feel his pounding heart beat. I can still hear his rhythmic breathing as if he were asleep. He is not a sound sleep. Not like this.

He won't wake up.

I run out of the room and to the others. Bellamy is no where to be found as usual. The others are sitting around the table. Raven is leaning against the wall.

"What?" Monty asks.

"Is it Murphy?" Harper asks.

I nod.

"He won't wake up."


	6. Chapter 6

**Murphy and Emori during/after his coma.**

"Come on, John," I beg at his side like I have for a long time. "Please wake up."

"It's been so long since I've seen your eyes," I beg again. But I get nothing in response. He is dead to the world, sleeping soundlessly in my arms as he always does. I have refused to leave his side. I have no reason to. Without him up here, I have no purpose.

There is a knock at the door.

"It's me," Harper says.

"Come in."

She enters with a sad look on her face. She sits down beside us and looks at John. To me he looks peaceful and quiet. To her he probably looks just as much of a scoundrel as he always does. But I love that scoundrel. I love John.

"How's he doing?" she asks.

"No different," I say with a shrug.

"Monty is beside himself. He is so sorry. He is trying to fix it with everything he knows," Harper says.

"I know," I say with a nod. I try not to blame him for doing this to John. He had no idea what was going to happen. Of course, he would never hurt him on purpose. Harper tries for a smile. She doesn't want me so down. None of them do.

"We can talk about something else," I offer.

She nods.

"Have you heard from Bellamy?" I ask.

She looks sad. "He's been MIA since the funeral. Raven has tried to talk to him but he won't see anyone. I've heard him a couple of times. He's devastated."

"I would be too," I say.

Harper puts her hand on mine but I pull it away. I don't take comfort from her.

"You ever thought about if the world didn't end?" Harper asks.

"What do you mean?"

"What would you have done if you were on the ground? In five years time?"

I smile at that thought.

"We would have had the initiation," I tell her.

"What's that?" Harper asks.

"It's where a group of friends gather in the woods. We give each other a tattoo and share an expression. It's kind of like a party," I say. "Or what you would call a marriage."

"Would you have children?" she asks.

"Maybe. I never thought about it. I never thought I would survive long enough. But if we lived a normal life, yes. We would have had a few. It would have been nice to live without worrying about anything else," I admit. I don't think I have ever said anything like that to John before. Maybe I should tell him when he wakes up.

"He doesn't seem like the dad type," I admit.

"No offense, Emori. But he doesn't seem like the type to fall in love," she says. "But he did. He's so different with you. He would do anything for you."

"Monty would do anything for you," I tell her.

"Yeah," she agrees with a smile.

"Would you have children?"

"In a perfect world. Yes. I would have married Monty. I would have worn a white dress. We would have children. One or two maybe. We would live together. We would be happy."

"You still have that chance," I tell her. "To be happy."

"You do too," Harper says.

She looks down at him. I can feel him start to stir in my arms.

"What? John! John," I say.

"Looks like you've got a pretty good chance, Emori," she says and walks away as John wakes up.

He looks up at me with confused eyes. I hold his body in my hands as he starts to move. He groans in pain so I hold him tighter but it is clear that he is trying to stretch.

"Emori?" he asks.

"John," I say with relief.

"Did I die?"

"No, you animal. You're okay. You're okay," I say, making him sit up. He looks at me. His face is so perfect. His eyes are open. His voice is just how I remember it. I throw my arms around his body with a smile. I can feel my body shaking with tears of relief but he doesn't know that. He grips me tight, putting his face on my shoulder.

"What is it? Emori? What's wrong?"

"You were in a coma, John! That's what's wrong," I say.

He holds me tight.

"I'm here now," he says. He pulls away but keeps his arms around me. He kisses me on my lips once softly and then hugs me again. I can tell his body is stiff and sore but he is thinking about only me. How love changes someone so drastically.

"I love you," I tell him.

"I love you too," he says. "I'm so sorry I scared you."

"I missed you, John," I say. "We were all worried."

"You were?" he asks, pulling away so that he can see my face. I nod with assurance.

"Of course we were. Monty has been beside himself. Harper just came here to tell me. He is trying everything he can to wake you up. Everyone has been worried. Well, aside from Bellamy but we haven't heard from him since Clarke's funeral," I explain.

"Wasn't that just two days ago?"

I shake my head.

"How long have I been out?"

"Eight days," I tell him.

He grabs me in a hug and puts his arms around me tightly. I don't know how he is holding me so tight but I don't ask. I want him to. I want to feel him that close.

"I am so sorry, Emori," he says.

"It's okay," I say with a smile. "You're okay."


	7. Chapter 7

**Rated M. Rated M. Rated M. Just a little fun on the ring. It's not explicit but I'm rating M just to be safe. Enjoy!**

Chapter Seven

Bellamy

It has been just one year since it all began. Our life on the Ring began with my tantrum, Clarke's funeral and Murphy's coma. After that life was hard. Every night I was racked with the thought of my sister being trapped underground. Constantly wanting to talk about her, hear her voice, hug her, attempt to help her in any way. Clarke was dead. That fact remained the same no matter how long I cried or how bad my hand hurt from punching the walls.

Monty had finally gotten that algae recipe right. Monty and Harpers love was obvious. They constantly had their arms around each other, wrapped in happiness. To be honest, I was unable to talk to them for a long time. I avoid them. They are happy. They have exactly what I wish I had. They got exactly what I had tried for for so long. And I failed. But they didn't. They got it. They have it, even up here.

Raven works every single day. When we do see her, she is constantly trying to get us back down to the ground or fixing a problem or talking about a solution. She likes the work. It keeps her busy and gives her a sense of purpose. Emori and Murphy are their usual selves. Though it is obvious that both Emori and Echo feel out of place here. They try to understand and get along. I have noticed Emori listening when Raven talks. But it's obvious that Echo is not one of us. She began to participate and talk to us but she will never be Skaikru.

After our small get together and the celebration of one year down, Raven goes back to work. I watch her, sitting in my usual chair but with it turned around to face her work station. Emori and Murphy sit in the corner, talking. She has been trying, and failing, to teach him Trig. They laugh occasionally, constantly not able to succeed in their venture of making each other the opposite team. It's a strange yet perfect relationship.

"Shop op, Creepa," Echo says as she walks into the room and over to Emori. I hear them both talking back and forth in Trig but I am not paying attention to them. Raven is getting more frustrated by the minute. Finally, she hits the panel and then shakes out her fist with a worried and annoyed expression. I stand up and grab her hand. Our eyes meet.

I am reminded once of when I looked into those eyes as she laid under me, just before I feel on top of her.

I can even remember how her lips felt, how I kissed her neck when I picked her up and wrapped her legs around my body. She conformed to me, though not once did we speak. It wasn't until afterwards that she said anything. It wasn't exactly what I wanted her to say. We used each other because we were hurting. And nothing bad came out of it.

"Raven," I say.

She looks annoyed and pulls away from my grasp. I wonder if she was thinking the same things I was. Some part of me hopes that she wasn't. I hope she doesn't remember any of it.

"I'm fine," she assures and goes back to sitting at her chair and working. I don't know if I should try. I haven't been trying all that much lately.

"Raven, take a break," I tell her.

"No. Go sulk about your dead princess, Bellamy. I'm fine!" she shouts.

I turn and leave. I don't have to hear this. That's ridiculous. When I make it back to my room, I feel alone again. These four walls make me feel nothing but lonely. Clarke used to be with me in the four walls of our nighttime escapades.

I put my head back and rest my arm over my face. One year. Just one year of this torture and I have four to go. Four of this nightmare all alone. But it's not just four. When I get back down there, I will be alone. There will be nothing left of Clarke.

No matter how many years go by, she will still be dead.

I hear a knock on my door.

"Go away!" I shout.

"It's Raven," she says from the other side. She sounds angry but there is something else in her voice. She wants me to talk to her or to at least see what she wants.

I open the door and there stands Raven with anger on her face.

"What?" I demand.

She pushes her way into the door and closes it behind her. She slips her shoes off, which some of us don't even bother wearing around this place anymore. It's all our home. Then she pulls her hair out of her ponytail and rips her shirt off. My eyes go wide and I can practically hear my heart in my ears.

"Raven, what the hell are you doing?" I demand.

She smiles and walks toward me.

"We're both angry and have no where to turn. We're all friends here but you and I are the only ones that aren't getting…relief," she says.

"Okay, Raven. We are not the same people that had sex over you losing Finn," I tell her, backing away.

It's not that she's not beautiful and kind. She's my friend. I have trusted her for a long time and we have taken care of each other. But she is just my friend. I don't want this act of need to change that. Then again, maybe we do need to remember how to have fun.

"The rest of the crew is always having fun somehow. You and I are working. You're my friend, Bellamy. I trust you. Maybe just a mutual, momentary sexual alliance will give us the chance to let our hair down for a while," she says with a shrug.

Maybe she is right.

She is unbuttoning her pants as she walks toward me.

"Come on, Bell," she says, putting her hand to my chest. I can't help but smirk back at her.

"It's been a long time," she says.

"So it has, Raven," I agree.

"Do we have a deal?"

I take my shirt off, toss it to the ground and look back at her.

"We have a deal."

It is sealed not with a handshake, but with a prolonged kiss.


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter Eight

Bellamy

I pass Raven in the hall with almost no memory of our night of strange passion we had a few weeks ago. It was one night. Just like that one night after she found out Clarke slept with her boyfriend. It's still a strange thought. Clarke sleeping with Finn. I never thought that something like that might bother me. The truth is, it bothered me then too. Putting my arm on her when we were shooting, saving her from that boar trap, I remember all of it.

"I can't take it anymore in here!" we hear someone shout. It's probably Echo. She has been in quite the mood lately. It has irritated everyone on this ship. Monty, Harper and Emori are playing a card game on the table. I have been watching Raven work and listening to her rants.

The sound of a ball hitting the wall and bouncing back is starting to give me a headache.

"Murphy," I say.

The ball stops. He turns around to look at me, raising his eyebrows with the ball still caught in his hand. It is some kind of small green thing he found in a corner somewhere. Lucky we found anything. I've been trying to learn Trig with the others since there is not much to do up here.

"What, dude?" he asks.

"Give it a rest," I say.

He rolls his eyes and throws it against the wall, letting it bounce all over the place before he goes over to the table and sits down, leaning forward to watch them play.

"I'm done!" she shouts.

"Shop op!" Emori shouts.

We hear nothing again. I decide that standing here isn't doing me any good either. I lean over the table to watch them play. They are each holding five cards with a pile in the middle.

"Who's winning?" I ask.

"Not me," Emori admits.

"Come on, Emori. You always win," Murphy says.

"Actually, she's never won a card game," Monty says with s half smile. Harper gives him a glance and they keep playing but we hear Echo send something flying. Another thing. Maybe she is punching something at this point.

"Alright," Monty says, putting his cards down.

"Are we just going to ignore her?" he asks.

"She is one of us now," Emori agrees.

I lean back on the wall, not ready to face her the way I had to face my own demands. It has been over a year since Clarke was killed. Since I left her to die on that inferno. I shouldn't have. I should have stayed with her. I should have held her, maybe even told her the truth before it came time to say our final goodbye. Before it was our final journey to the ground.

"Bellamy!" I hear Monty shout.

I run my hand down my face, hoping the thoughts will disappear as I look to him.

"You look like hell," he says.

"Feel like it," I admit. "What?"

Raven stands up. I hear her from where I stand but I don't turn around. I don't want to face anyone anymore. I feel like running, finding a dark corner and sitting there until the fear and the sadness goes away. Or at least until it calms down.

"Bellamy," Raven says. I turn around to the sound of her soft voice and stare into her eyes.

"You remember when you were that angry? Maybe you can help her?" Raven asks.

I shake my head.

"No way. She tried to kill my sister. She held a knife to Clarke's throat. She might be one of us now but that doesn't mean I have to go out of my way to help her," I say, trying to forget the thought of Clarke standing with a sword to her throat. She wasn't scared. She almost never was. But it was Echo that was going to kill her. Kill the woman I loved. The woman I love. No. I can't help her.

"Bellamy," Monty says. "We aren't hiding anything. We're family. You're still grieving Clarke. Maybe you can talk to Echo. She lost her entire clan. She was cast out. She has no one but us."

I shake my head. We hear another shout. It's loud and angry. It's also in Trig. We all look to Emori. She raises her eyebrows, looking concerned. We listen as it suddenly quiets down.

"Wait. Where's Echos' sword?" Murphy asks, standing up.

"Crap," Monty says.

We hear muffled voices.

"It's a ceremony," Emori says.

"What kind?" I ask, feeling a familiar kind of fear that I wish I knew nothing of.

Then we hear a scream.

"Go! Go!" Emori shouts.

Everyone stands and we all run to Echos' room. I pull at the knob but it doesn't open. I try to do it again. Nothing. I step back and kick the door. It doesn't budge.

"Murphy!" I shout.

He comes over next to me. I look to him and nod. We both kick once. Nothing but it moves. Again. We kick and the door busts open. Murphy and I slam our arms against it to open the door the rest of the way. We are pushing when we realize it won't open, though we can see dim lighting inside. We can't hear her.

"Echo! Echo!" the girls are shouting.

"Something against the door," Murphy says.

I reach in but the opening is too small and my hand is too big. I try again to push the thing out of the way.

"We need someone with small hands. There's something in front of the door. We have to push it away," I say. I turn around to the others. Raven and Emori look at each other and hold their hands up. Raven runs to the door, pushing me out of the way. She reaches her entire forearm through, grasping and pushing.

"I got it!" she shouts.

Raven pushes the door open and we all stumble inside. Echo sits with the sword to her stomach. It is only in a small amount but we interrupted her ceremony. She is bleeding down her stomach. Her eyes look glossy and maybe weak.

"We need to get this out," Emori says, kneeling by her friend.

"No. We need something to make sure the bleeding stops first," Raven says, dropping her legs to the other side of our new patient. I stand above them all, watching, unsure of how to move or what to do. I could have saved her from this pain. If I would have gone when they told me, I would have helped her sooner. Maybe she would not have had time to put the sword in her body at all.

"It's not deep," Harper says. "We just need to patch it up and get the sword out."

"Yet another situation where we need Clarke," Murphy mumbles.


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter Nine

Bellamy

Monty puts his hand on the knife and Raven sits across from him with the cloth in her hand. I stand over them all, watching. Emori holds the bandage in both shaking hands. Echo hasn't said a word since we came in.

"Echo," Raven says. "Talk to me, Echo."

"Let's not pretend we know what we're doing," Murphy says.

"Not helpful, John!" Emori says.

"Pull it!" Raven shouts.

"Wait! Wait!" I scream, standing in front of them. They all look to me. But I remember what happened with Finn. I was there. I just don't remember why.

"Raven! What happened with Finn? When he was stabbed? What did Clarke do?" I ask her. Raven looks sad but also determined, that look that she gives so often.

"She cleaned everything we worked with. She had to move the knife at an upward angle. She said it was between his 5th and 6th rib," she says frantically. I lean down over them and look at the knife. I feel her stomach right above the knife. Her ribs are off to the side. She stabbed right between her ribs, pretty low.

"No ribs. What's there? Any organs?" I ask.

"I don't know. She was worried about hitting something. But it was way off to the side," Raven says.

"Same principle," I tell her. "What's there? Any organs?"

"Should just be intestines. If she perforated them, we're in trouble. But if she missed them, we might be alright," Monty says.

"Pull it," I say.

He does, slowly and then it's out. It was only in just two inches. Maybe we have a chance that everything could be okay. She groans and tries to hold onto their hands to move them away. Her dark eyes open. But she doesn't say a word.

"Echo," I say. "Can you hear me?"

She doesn't say anything.

"Echo!" I say again. "Respond."

"Fine," she says. "You interrupted my ceremony."

Raven starts to push on the wound, stopping it from bleeding. She does this for several seconds as she attempts to moves away. It makes it difficult to hold pressure.

"Good. Stay still, Echo," Emori says.

She doesn't. She keeps moving around. She arches her back and tries to push the cloth from Raven. Raven shouts and then pushes it back on her as hard as she can, which pissed off Echo even more.

We really do need Clarke.

"Hold her down!" I say.

"John, do it," Emori says.

He goes to her head and puts her hands down above it, holding her against the ground, digging her arms into the cold floor. Raven is finally able to hold the cloth on there long enough to stop the bleeding. Monty puts the bandage on and it's almost over. Murphy finally lets go of her and allows her to sit up.

All of us sit around Echo, looking to her, waiting for an explanation. But we don't get one.

"I am not going to thank you," she says. "I wanted it."

"Why?" I ask. "What's the point? Like I said before…wouldn't it just be easier to step outside?"

"I am not meant for the Skai. Ai op Izgeda," she says. "No reason for me to be here. You all deserve each other. Not me."

"Echo," I say, looking right into her eyes.

"No, Bellamy. You need Clarke. And Raven needs her dead boyfriend. Monty needs Jasper but he has Harper. Murphy and Emori don't need anyone. You either need someone who is dead or you have them with you," she says. I can see the pain in her eyes. I can't imagine that she would cry. But there is definitely a building fear that she is going to be alone, or maybe that she already is.

"But you don't need me," she says.

I put my hand on her knee.

"Don't be ridiculous. We all need each other up here. Yes, we all have dead friends. Hundreds of them. And yes, we lost one member of this Skaikru. But she died so that we could live. She saved us, Echo. Don't let that be in vein. We all need to make it back to the ground in four years. One year down, Echo. If you join us, you'll realize it's not so bad," I tell her.

"Not so bad?" Monty asks.

"Does that mean you'll stop sulking about your almost-girlfriend?" Murphy asks. I turn to him, looking bewildered but also angry. It is just another joke. He knows that I loved her. He also knows that I deserve to mourn her. I choose not to let him get to me.

"I will never stop mourning Clarke," I say. "She wasn't my almost-girlfriend, Murphy. Clarke was and always will be my best friend. Keep your jokes about something else."

He nods with an understanding look.

"You are one of us Echo," Emori assures.

"Yeah, we all have a part to play," Raven says.

"What's mine?" Echo asks.

We all look at each other. We can't make this speech and then not have any idea what the meaning is that lies behind it. We have to figure this out together.

"For starters, you could help Emori teach us Trig," I suggest.

"Not doing so well, Fikdreina?" she asks, turning her head to Emori. Murphy glares at her. I almost think he might try to hurt her or warn her in some way. But when both Echo and Emori smile, he stops, sitting back on his heels.

"Alright," Echo says with a nod. "You have a deal."


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter Ten

Harper

"Wow," I hear beside me as I catch my breath. I turn my head to Monty, resting my arm over his body and allowing my sweaty body to calm back down.

"As always, impressive, Harper," he says with a smile.

"Agreed," I laugh.

"We should get to sleep."

"What? You've got a big day tomorrow or something?" I ask with a small laugh. He laughs, a light, happy sound that makes me feel more close to home than I have ever felt before. Maybe I have been alone for a long time. Maybe I haven't known a true home. But up here, laying in bed with Monty, learning with him, talking with him, and being with him…this is home.

"No. But I was going to start a new batch of algae just to see if I can find a different taste, maybe a better taste than what we have. I know Emori and Echo don't even notice but everyone else hates how bad it tastes. I can tell. I'm going to try something," he explains.

"Good. We'll figure that all out," I tell him with a smile. I rest my head down and close my eyes. I think he is trying to tell me about it again but my head feels heavy so I fall asleep easily. It feels like only minutes later when I am woken with a start. I feel like I am thrown to the side. I hit my shoulder and the wall and look back to Monty. He is sitting straight up with his chest rising and falling quickly. He still has sweat on his forehead and shoulders. I put my hand on his back.

"Monty?" I ask with confusion.

He turns to me. His face is scared. I have never seen an expression on him like this one before. His face is skewed into a contortion of pain and terror. But there is something else. A deep sense of regret. His shoulders are shaking when I touch him.

"Monty? What is it?" I ask again. He's not answering. He is looking at me, scared and frozen. I have heard Bellamy wake from nightmares before. He screams. It's loud, even through these walls. But none of us talk about it. I have even heart Murphy once before. But I would never think to ask him about it. Echo paces the halls sometimes. We hear her footsteps. We are all family. We know each other's pain. I had no idea that Monty felt it too. Suddenly shame hits me hard in the chest. I feel tears prick the edges of my eyes and I lean my head forward on his shoulder, keeping my arm around his naked body.

"Talk to me," I beg him.

"Harper?" he asks.

I look up at him, trying so hard not to cry or look sad but I know that I do. I know that he can see right through it all.

"Yeah?"

"Do you ever think about them? About the people we left behind," he says. "Not in the bunker but everywhere."

"You mean your mom?"

He nods slowly and sadly. Maybe he didn't want to say that out loud. I can feel his body tense beneath my fingers.

"She would be proud of you for saving us all," I tell him with a small smile that I know is broken.

"Maybe," he admits. "But I could have saved her. The EMP worked on Raven. I could have saved my mom. I could have saved all of them. Jasper too. He was my brother and I left him there."

I can see the pain on his face so prominent now that it looks as if he might shatter at any moment. I pull him just a bit closer to me, resting my head on his shoulder and holding my other hand out on his lap over the blankets. He takes it, intertwining our fingers.

"You tried so hard to save him. I was there. You were there, sacrificing yourself so that we could live, trying to convince us that there was a better way. I couldn't see it for a long time. But you told me that you loved me and I realized that what I was doing was selfish." I sit up so that I can look to his scared face. "We have so much life up here. Jasper should have been with us but he gave up hope. I almost did. You couldn't have saved Jasper, Monty. Maya broke him. The grounders broke him. What he had to do to survive broke him. But it made us stronger. It made _you_ stronger."

He tries to nod but I can see that he doesn't want to. He is still afraid of what he had to do. He can still see Jasper dying in his arms all of that time ago. It was painful but it was a long time ago. We can't change what happened then. I lean forward and kiss his cheek. He smiles a little but I can tell it is not a true smile.

"You saved me, Monty," I assure.

He intakes his breath fast. I look at him and see a look of surprise and shock. I think that I hurt him for a moment before he nods and then shows me a real, small, genuine smile.

"You're right," he agrees, putting his hand to my face. "I love you, Harper."

"I love you too."

Finally, my Monty leans me in for a warm kiss. When I pull away, looking back into those eyes, he looks lost again. I keep my body close to his. Maybe I can protect him from whatever terror he is feeling inside.

"What happened?" I ask.

He just shrugs. It is not like him to not tell me something. But I know why he is doing it. Just like everyone else around here: they are all afraid. We are all ashamed of what we did and what we felt. We are all hiding our true feelings because we are nervous that if we don't, we will be embarrassed by them.

"We need to have a family meeting tomorrow," I decide.

"What?" he asks with confusion.

"That's right. Everyone needs to get together and talk about something that they did or some pain that they feel or someone that they left behind. We need to be openly talking about this because if we don't, we are going to go back down there and make the same mistakes that we made before. When we return home, we need to be better people. We need to be strong people."

"We have to be the good guys," Monty says with a smile.

I nod.

"In light of deciding that we all need to talk about our pain, I should probably tell you that it was a nightmare."

I nod, listening.

"It was about Jasper. When Clarke told me what I needed to do in Mount Weather, I thought that I could do it. When I did it, it just seemed like another task. It didn't seem like I was going to kill people because of it. But then she and Bellamy were having such a hard time and I realized what I did. Without me, Clarke and Bellamy would have had no lever to pull. Everyone blamed Clarke. They even called her Wanheda. She didn't kill all of those people. Neither did Bellamy." He looks right into my eyes, his face filled with anguish. "I did."

I wrap my arms around Monty and kiss his head as I feel his body shudder. The realization that he is just as much at fault as everyone else is going to be hard for him to grasp. But we are going to do it together. I am not going to tell him that it wasn't his fault. It was. I am just going to tell him the truth.

"And without you, Octavia would be dead, which means that our people would not have a place in that bunker and every single one of them would be dead. Without you, we wouldn't have solved any of the problems that we have. Without you, we wouldn't be here right now, in this beautiful place that we can call home," I whisper.

"Thank you," he whispers back in a broken voice.

He doesn't feel healed this night. I know he won't. But he falls asleep in my arms with the knowledge that he is important to us. Tomorrow, we will make our amends.


	11. Chapter 11

Chapter Eleven

Harper

"Alright, what's this so called _family meeting_ for, Harper?" Emori asks, leaning back in her chair. I look across everyone, making sure that everyone is here.

"Where's Bellamy?" I ask.

"Right here," he says as he enters, rubbing his eyes and then folding his arms over his chest. He has dark circles under both of his eyes. His face is scruffy and his hair is getting longer. His entire body just appears weak, as if I could knock him over. We all know what it is from. But he is the one that needs to be here more than anyone.

"I'm here. Now what?" Bellamy asks.

"I called this because I think we should talk about some things. We are a family. We have all heard each other in our rooms, we are hurting. We have to help each other. We trust each other up here."

"What does all this mean? Yeah, the walls are thin enough to hear your space sex," Murphy says with a scuff.

"As if we can't hear yours," Monty mutters.

I give them both a glare. This was supposed to be something nice that we could do together. I feel battered but not taken back just yet. I have to work this out.

"This is important," I say. They all look back at me. "We all have demons."

"Build a brace for yours," Raven says with a smile.

We all wait for her to explain.

"I told Finn that once. He couldn't. He didn't know how. And Clarke and I failed in showing him. But maybe if we all help each other up here, we can build enough braces that when we go back down, we will have enough," she says with confidence. At least someone here wants to try to help. I smile back at her with a nod.

"That's what I mean."

"You want us to talk about our problems, Harper?" Murphy asks.

"Yes," I say. "So that we can help each other. We all have done terrible things. We need to agree that we did them, admit them and then…build a brace for them."

"So you want us to blame each other for what we did on the ground?" Murphy clarifies.

"Yeah, this is starting to sound like a bad idea, Harper," Emori agrees. I shake my head and stand up.

"No. I just want us to talk to each other. I know that we are all hurting. Maybe if we make peace with it now, then when we go back down, we can be the good guys."

"Good guys? I was never a good guy," Echo says.

"Come on, let's just try!" I say.

I am losing them when finally, Bellamy speaks up.

"Listen up!" he says. "We are all here for one very important reason. We survived. We lived through everything that happened down there. But Harper is right. We can't just pretend that all of that didn't happen. I am not saying that I like it or that I want to talk about it. But I think that is Harper's point. We don't want to talk about it or admit it. We want to push it all away. I don't want to say…" he trails off, looking at a wall and then back to the rest of us. We are all silent just so that we can hear Bellamy. He is being so serious, so intense. When he looks back to the group his eyes are raging with fire.

"I don't want to say that…that Clarke is dead," he finishes, biting the inside of his mouth and running his hand down his face. "But I have to. We all have to admit the hard truth. By doing that, maybe we can heal enough to be good people by the time we get back down." He pauses and looks to me with a satisfied expression. "This is a good idea, Harper. We should all be thanking you for it."

I smile at him and then sit back down, realizing that it just took another person to express it. Everyone sits down silently, as if they have all decided that they are now ready for whatever it is that they think we are going to talk about.

"Who wants to go first?" I ask.

Everyone looks at the other person.

"If we are going to share our terrors, I had a realization last night. Clarke and Bellamy might have pulled the leaver, but I am the one that made it possible to kill everyone at Mount Weather. It was easy. I knew just how to do it and I treated it as if it was nothing but another technological problem to be solved. I rarely thought about what I did there because they allowed it."

"Who, Monty?" Bellamy asks.

I appreciate that he is trying to participate.

"Everyone. When everyone called her Wanheda, and they seemed to forget that you had any role in it, I realized that no one was going to think about me having anything to do with it. I guess I just forgot about it. But I shouldn't have. I killed all of those people too," he admits.

I put my hand on his leg, squeezing it just a little. He puts his hand on mine. His fingers are shaking slightly so I lean closer to make sure that he knows I am with him.

"I understand, Monty," Raven says.

"What do you mean?" he asks.

"When I had to make that radio, I felt like the entire time, I was focusing on what I had to do. When I was making the reaper sticks, I was doing it for the task. Every single time I did something, I was focusing on the act, not what came behind it." I pretend not to notice the strange glance that she gives to Bellamy. He presses his lips together, not leaving her gaze for a second.

"Working with computers instead of people doesn't make us any less guilty," Monty says.

"Not at all," she agrees.

There is a long pause when Murphy looks up. He gets up and walks over to Raven. He holds out his hand and she looks at it with confusion. We all watch as the strong, uncaring man with jokes is now almost fragile in front of all of us. It is the strangest thing I have ever seen. Murphy is standing with a great vulnerability. His face looks like he is almost in pain. He has a small look of embarrassment.

"I'm sorry Raven. Not just for shooting you but for hurting you. I'm sorry that my carelessness and selfishness gives you physical pain everyday. I'm sorry that what I did made you take the chip and that I can never find a solution for it. I'm sorry for being a terrible person," he says all at once. Raven stands up, looks him over and then wraps her arms around him. I can't help but smile.

"I forgive you, Murphy," she says with a smile into his shirt. He is surprised but hugs her back.

I try not to notice that Bellamy wraps his arms around himself a little tighter. He shifts on his feet. I decide that this kind of change of heart is the kind of thing that creates a good person. A chaining person. I put my hands together and clap.

Everyone joins me slowly and we clap them on. They separate and Murphy gives a small smile, sitting back down at his seat. Of course, there are a lot of things we all have to talk about. But then I look to Bellamy. I know he wants to talk.

"I guess that makes it my turn," Bellamy says. "I've got a long list."

"We've got nothing but time," I tell him with a smile. "We'll take it one thing at a time, until we can remember how to be the good guys."


	12. Chapter 12

Chapter Twelve

Bellamy

Everyone is staring at me now. I know that I shouldn't have spoken up. But I wanted to say something. I want to apologize for everything that I have done. I won't be able to face the worst thing I ever did quite yet. That is something I am going to have to be okay with alone.

"I will never forgive myself for most of this," I admit, knowing that they can all see my fear right out there in the open. But I am not going to start with the things that hurt the most. I don't think I have the capacity for that just yet.

"You don't have to, Bellamy," Harper says. "Maybe we can forgive you. That can be enough."

I smile back at her with a nod and take my seat across from Echo. I look over to Raven, who sits just beside me.

"I guess I shouldn't be apologizing to you. I should probably apologize to all of the people that died because of it. But…I destroyed the radio, which initiated the next culling of the ark. I did that. Clarke told me that I wasn't a monster, that I did it to protect my sister. That's true but that time I was being selfish."

It sounds stupid but I know that I have to say it.

"Welcome to the club," Murphy says.

I laugh a little but get back to the seriousness that I know I should because I have to finish this.

"I didn't just kill all those people. I did it because I didn't want them to come down and kill me or take me in for shooting Jaha."

"That was stupid," Raven says.

"Raven!" Harper says, looking shocked and almost offended. She did bring us to this so that we could help each other.

"But you didn't just do it for yourself," Raven says. "You did it for Octavia. You knew that she wouldn't be safe with the 100. They weren't exactly upstanding citizens and your sister was impressionable. You did it because you didn't want to die but mostly because you didn't want her to be alone. I can respect that kind of unconditional love."

I give her a thankful nod.

"It doesn't get rid of what I did. It doesn't justify it. I am sorry. But I can't take it back."

"I have a suggestion," Harper says.

I look to her, waiting for some kind of help. I didn't realize I needed it but maybe I do.

"Clarke was right. You're not a monster. You are just willing to do anything to save Octavia. When we get back down there, I think you have to realize, she's her own person now," Harper says. I know she is right but I don't like it.

"Osleya es ou reina. She is not just your sister anymore. You have to accept that the decisions she makes are her own now. She protected you before Primfaya," Echo says.

"What do you mean by all that?" I ask.

Harper leans forward on her elbows and looks at all of us. She stares right into my eyes last. She is sympathetic toward me. I can see her kind demeanor coming through her hard outer shell.

"We mean that when you get back down there, you can't do everything for Octavia. Don't sacrifice your own integrity for her anymore," she says. I know she is right. I don't like to think about it. I don't want to tell them that I do not know if I can promise that. I don't even know if I can agree that she is okay without me. But they are right. I can't let her hurt control what I do anymore.

"Alright," I agree with a nod. "You're right. I have a lot more to talk about. I don't want to list it. But I should mention one thing. Murphy, I never should have let them hang you. To be honest, Clarke was telling me to careful. I wanted to listen to her so bad but I was scared of losing the 100 to her or to you or not being able to control them anymore."

"It's alright—" Murphy starts but then I stare up into his almost blank face. I wonder if he even remembers hanging me in return. I wonder if he ever thought about it.

"No. It's not. It's not alright. I shouldn't have let them do that and I shouldn't have taken part in it. It was wrong no matter what was going on around us. I am so sorry for that Murphy," I tell him.

"I'm sorry that I hung you in retaliation," he says with a small smile. The memory is a strange one. We have worked together for so long. It is hard to imagine a time when we were enemies.

"You hung him?" Emori asks Murphy with some anger.

"Irreconcilable differences," he mutters.

"That's terrible," Emori says.

"Well…I did hang him," I say again.

"Sounds like you two have some bro hugging to do," Raven says with a smirk.

"No way," Murphy says.

"Maybe in another life time," I agree.

It makes everyone smile. This is the moment I realize why Harper wanted us to do this. Talking about it doesn't just make us sad or angry. It is not just because it holds ourselves accountable for what we did. It helps us smile about our past. If I were thinking that on my own, I never would have smiled. But Raven made a joke, we apologized and we realize that it is all in the past. We have to give each other the chance to heal over it.

Now I think we might have that chance.


	13. Chapter 13

Chapter Thirteen

Bellamy

"Clarke?" I ask.

She is standing right there before me. We are in the woods. The colors are beautiful and brighter than I have ever seen before. It's almost terrifying. I try not to shake as I walk toward her. I feel tears on my face and sobs in my chest but I try to hold all of that back. She is in front of me. She doesn't deserve to see me cry.

"You're alive?" I ask.

"I'm here," she says in that perfect voice. I never thought I would miss someones voice so much. But god I miss her voice. I miss her hug. I miss the way that she chastises me. I miss the way that she puts her hand on me to get my attention.

I run across the thick green grass and envelop her in my arms. She is smiling, putting her arms around me and holding me as close to her as I am. I know that I am squeezing her. I know that I am holding onto her too tight but I need her. I need her so badly.

"God, Clarke," I mumble. "I was so scared without you…so broken. I thought I would never be the same."

She pulls away and holds her hands out so that we are still touching. She can tell that I am shaking with the fear that she might disappear. I don't know what I'll do if she does that. I need her to stay with me. If she doesn't…that thought is too painful.

"You won't be," she admits.

"What do you mean?" I ask, feeling that familiar fear clenching at my stomach.

"You won't be the same without me, Bellamy. Without the head…all you'll have is your heart. You told me once that you'd have me for using my head. But if you don't have me, you have to learn to think with your head. You have to learn to think with both."

"My heart can't even function without you, Clarke," I beg, more tears falling down my cheeks. She has tears in her eyes now. I don't want her to cry. It makes my chest clench even worse. I reach my hand down to her face, brushing a tear just the moment it falls.

"Clarke," I say, begging her not to cry in my own way. I wrap my arm around her waist to keep her close to me. She looks up into my eyes and presses her lips together in the way that she always does before she cries. I see her lower lip tremble and her eyes clench the way they always do.

"Why are you crying?" I ask. "I lost you."

She nods, letting her tears fall and breaking my heart just a little more. I didn't even think it was possible to feel much more pain in my chest but there it is, crippling me.

"I don't want you to face this alone, Bellamy," she says. I can feel her hand brushing my face. I know it doesn't make sense. I know the ground is uninhabitable. I know that we can't be here. I know that I left Clarke to die. But I don't want to question any of it.

"You're so broken…so alone. It's not fair for me to leave you like that," she says. "I left you once. But I would never leave you willingly since the moment I did it. Leaving you was the worst decision I ever made. We work together. The heart can't work without the head."

"Clarke," I say in a broken voice, trying to get her to stop her rant. It scares me.

"You left me because you were scared. Clarke…when you kissed me, I should have grabbed you. I should have kissed you back and I should have kept you with me. I should have made you feel like you could trust me to take care of you," I tell her. I have wanted to tell her that for a long time. It feels good to say it but something is not quite right. Something is just a little bit off. I don't like it.

"I should have stayed to take care of you, to make sure that you didn't hide inside or turn to the dark side," she says with a small smile. It makes me smile through my tears.

I put my hand on her arm and let it fall down her bicep and then down her forearm. I keep doing it a few times. It calms me down enough to remember how to breathe. I don't think that I have breathed the right way for over a year now.

"Clarke," I say.

"What are you doing?" she asks.

"I've missed you so bad," I say.

"I know," she says. "I've missed you too."

"It's been so hard without you," I manage. I have wanted to tell her everything. Now I finally get the chance to do it. She should know the truth. She should know how much I need her to survive.

"Tell me," she says, urging.

"I haven't been sleeping. Since we used to sleep in the same bed and you'd always wake me up from nightmares or we'd talk about other problems, I just barely sleep. When I do, I hate it. I don't want to." I keep going after a shaking breath. "I can't be with the others like I used to. I trust them. I've started talking to them more but I've wanted to talk to you more than them. Every time I try I feel like they aren't going to say what you would and it hurts. I keep getting so angry for leaving you there or so sad that I think after that fit, I'll never be able to cry again. But then I do and it just hurts so bad without you, Clarke."

"What does? What hurts?" she asks.

"Life. Life hurts without you."

I feel Clarke wrap her arms around me. I rest my head on her shoulder and take comfort in her familiar scent. I had almost forgotten how she smelled. I almost forgot how badly I needed to be close with her. I start to feel as if she is disappearing. She is falling out of my arms, almost like she is getting thinner, smaller.

"Clarke!" I shout when I realize it's happening.

"It's okay, Bellamy," she says, putting her fading hand on my face. I grab her hand and hold onto it but it's disappearing.

"No! No! Clarke!" I scream again, grasping at air.

Then she is gone and I am alone.

I wake up screaming her name. I gasp when I realize where I am. The ring. Clarke is dead. I left her to die. She knows that I left her to die and now she is gone forever. The others are in their rooms, probably sleeping. I should be asleep with Clarke next to me. But no. I left her.

And now she's dead.

And I'm alone.

I sob so hard that my chest hurts as bad as a heart attack. But it doesn't even compare to when I am a mess on the floor, feeling as if my soul is being ripped apart because I am entirely alone.

That's when the uncontrollable, fearful screaming comes. It's her name. Just her name until my throat is raw, my chest is screaming and my body aches. Then I fall back onto my bed and curl in on myself, remembering how we would hold each other when something like that happened. But I am alone. Completely alone.

And I deserve it.


	14. Chapter 14

Chapter Fourteen

Bellamy

I walk out of my room and almost run right into Raven. She is standing with her hands on her hips and her eyes looking accusatory.

"What?" I demand. "Am I late for breakfast or something?"

"I hear a lot of things in this place, Bellamy. I thought talking about it was helping?" she says.

Talking. Why do girls always want to talk? I don't want to talk about it anymore. I am tired of talking. We have had a few of those sessions and they are a good idea but they make me think about her again. Thinking about her leads to nightmares like the one I had last night. And they hurt so bad. I push past her shoulder but she walks right beside me into the main room where we all eat together.

"Bell. We are just trying to help," she says.

"I know."

Bell. My sister called me that. My sister that is probably trying her best to lead a thousand very upset people right now. Hopefully by now she has got it under control. I can't help her from up here.

"Oun ticka!" I hear from the table.

It's Echo. She hands over something to Emori and then sits back down in her seat.

"Maybe I should learn Trig," I suggest.

"Bellamy! We are not done talking about this," Raven says, grabbing my hand and turning me around. I face her but then shrug. I feel done talking about it, even if she isn't.

"Raven, I promise I am trying. I promise that I will continue to try but right now, I need something else on my mind. We can't talk about it all the time. That's not healthy either," I tell her.

She shrugs and then goes back to her command center, just as she always does. I turn to the table, taking a seat next to Emori.

"You want to learn Trig, Skaikru?" she asks.

I nod. She almost laughs but I can see her holding it back. It's going to be a good skill to have. It beats doing nothing for the next five years.

"Alright. You're going to talk like one of us," Echo says. "Oso gomplei ere."

"What?" I ask, looking up.

She laughs a small laugh.

"Well, you know our saying yu gomplei ste odon," Emori says, looking to me. "So what does gomplei mean?"

"Fight?"

"Right," she agrees with a smile. Monty comes in with a big owl of that green stuff that almost makes me want to vomit looking at it. But I know it will keep me alive. I am grateful for that. He sets it down on the table but I am too focused on the words Echo said.

"How about the first one? Yu?" she asks.

"Your."

"Right. Your or you, depending on what sentence it's in," she insists. Murphy looks over at me with his hand on Emori's shoulder. He looks almost bored but still the same amusing Murphy he's always been. At least when he is around her, he is actually human.

"That's confusing," I state.

"It's all confusing. You'll never get it," he says.

"Shop op, John," she says.

"I know that one," Murphy insists, leaning his head close to her ear. He whispers something in it and she giggles, making me momentarily uncomfortable but then she kisses right under her tattoo and sits down across the table.

"Oso, Bellamy," Echo says, waving her hands around the entire time. "Com oso ouse."

"Com is like a universal word. You use it in a lot of sentences. Is oso like our or all of us?"

Echo nods with a smile, raising her eyebrows.

"Exactly," she agrees.

"I don't get how Clarke picked up on this so fast," I admit, sitting back in my chair as Monty hands us each a small bowl of algae. He hands it to Echo first.

"She was a fast learner," Emori says. Maybe one day I can talk about Clarke without feeling a pang of regret and pain in my chest. But that day is not today.

"Beja," Echo says.

"Is that thank you?" I ask.

"Not exactly," Emori states as she gets her own bowl. Echo is already drinking it, looking almost pleased, which still manages to surprise me every time. "It's more like a nicety. Most of the time we use it as _please._ "

I nod.

"I still don't know what Echo said earlier. Our fight…" I say, taking a sip and trying to taste it. I just focus on learning this new language. At least it makes me useful. At least it makes me feel like I am doing something. Maybe I won't have those nightmares tonight.

"Ere," Echo repeats the end of the sentence.

"Oso gomplei ere," I state back.

"Right. What's ere?" she asks.

"Now?"

"No. It's what it sounds like, Bellamy," Echo says.

I have to think about it. I take a few more sips, getting it down as quickly as I can while I debate if I know about this at all. Ere doesn't sound like anything in the English language. Or maybe I am just not getting it yet. I will. I will have plenty of time to get it.

"Here," she says finally.

"Our fight is here," Emori repeats. "We don't always use small words like _is_ or _the_ or _this_. Sometimes it is easier to skip over them."

"Like cavemen," Murphy says under his breath.

"What's that?" Echo asks. Now it is our turn to smile at them. Sometimes I forget that we are from different worlds. Our language might be different but people are the same. What we know is so drastically different. It's almost laughable.

"Alright, Bellamy. Time for your next lesson," Echo states. She stands up and grabs her sword from the corner of the room.

"What are you doing?" I ask.

"If you're going to learn to speak like us, you might as well learn to fight like us."

I stand up, pushing my chair in and walking over to Echo. We walk over to a small room that used to be some kind of gym. She pulls out a mat and sets it on the ground. I help her set it up, laying it just right. She stands in the center, slipping her shoes off and tossing them to the side. I do the same and then she gestures for me to join her.

"Oso gomplei ere," she says and the next lesson begins.


	15. Chapter 15

Chapter Fifteen

Bellamy

This is the third time I have been punched in the face. But to be truthful, it feels good. I deserve it. I never thought that all of this fighting would feel so good. But it does. I lung at Echo but she recoils and then dances around me. This is too easy for her. My combat is so different from hers.

"You've been used to fighting with guns, Bellamy," she says. "What happens when we run out of ammo?"

"I guess you're going to have to teach me."

She smiles at that and lunges again, hitting me in my stomach and kicking my back. I stumble forward so she puts her leg under my foot and then grabs my shoulder, launching me onto the ground when I am uneasy on my feet. I roll over and stand back up, brushing off my shoulders in an attempt to forget about the pain.

"I will," she says. "You'll learn."

"You're failing," Murphy says as he walks by. "Accept it!"

"I'd like to see you try!" I shout back.

"No thanks. I like my pretty face to remain pretty."

I roll my eyes but then I am being tackled to the ground. I barely even feel it until my back is slammed against the mat and my head hurts. I try to wrangle myself and get out from under her grasp but she has one of my legs in hers and an arm over my chest. Her ab muscles must be strong because they are the only thing holder her body up as her body is draped across mine. I try to move again but she locks her elbow and I am stuck.

"I guess you win this round," I say.

"And the last two rounds," she says.

She still smells like the outdoors. It's somewhat comforting. Trees and pine and leaves and water. Echo stares into my eyes, watching me as I catch my breath. There is a hint of a small smile on her face and something else in her eyes. Something that I saw when I unlocked her cage. Something that I saw when I told her I could never trust her again. Something that I thought I had imagined since I had only ever seen it in Clarke before.

That expression falters and she gets off of me quickly, patting her clothes down and then holding a hand out to me. I take it, letting her help me up and then bounce on my feet.

"So what am I missing?" I ask.

"You are used to cruelty, that is clear so you don't give up. Your sister has that trait as well," she says.

"But?"

"You move too quickly. Think about the move before you act. You don't have an unlimited number of fists as you did bullets. You cannot just aim and shoot. You have to decide where to aim, how to aim, what I am going to do in retaliation, how close you have to get. It's detailed. It's not just random. It's exact."

I nod.

"You will learn, Bellamy."

"Teach me then."

"Again?"

"Again," I agree.

"You two are going to destroy each other," Murphy says, leaning against the opening to the room. He crosses his arms and feet as he raises his eyebrows. I keep my eyes on Echo.

She is waiting for me to attack, I realize. She is watching where my arms and legs begin. My shoulder and hips. She is waiting for that to move so that she can tell where I will move. I have to be specific. I have to think about my move. I want to take her down. When I was fighting with Lincoln, he would move my fists out of his way with strength. She can't do that.

I lunge at her right shoulder but then kick her feet out from under her. I put my fist toward her face. She grabs my arm but it takes both of her arms to hold my arm steady. I knee her in the stomach so she kneels over and then she kicks me in my groin.

"What the hell, Echo?" I shout.

"There are no rules in war," she says in return.

I put my knee on her leg, digging it into her artery so she falters and lets go of my hand. I grab her arm and lock it down onto the mat she tries to flip her legs around my hip. I fight it off as I attempt to grab her other hand. I don't look at her face. I don't want to see her eyes. I know there will be something strange there. A friendship I am not sure I want yet.

She finally gets her leg around my hip and uses her entire body weight to flip me around so that she is on top of me. She has her leg draped over my hips and grabs my arm. She locks it onto the ground with both arms.

I breathe heavily, resting my head on the ground.

"What am I doing wrong?" I ask.

"You were doing everything quite right," she says. "But you get distracted. You don't fight dirty. You have to. War is not pretty."

"Believe me, if there is anyone that knows that, it's Bellamy," Murphy says as he walks back into our general room. Echo lets me up so I stand and help her up next.

"Maybe you stick to our language," she says with a smile.

"No. I want to learn," I tell her. "But I think you could learn a little bit about us too."

"What do you mean?"

"I know how to fight like Trikru. Maybe we could help each other."

She almost laughs, grabbing a small rag on the side and wiping her face with it. I use the back of my arm to wipe my sweat off as we make our way back to the general room where everyone has gathered.

"Why would I want to fight like Trikru?"

"Because down there, your leader thinks she's Trikru and she fights like them. She is going to be teaching her people the same thing," Raven says. "Octavia is not just going to sit idle down there."

"Oseleya com Wonkru," Echo says.

"Maybe but she's also taught by Lincoln," Raven says. "Maybe we all have things to learn up here."

Echo nods.

"Alright. Teach me how to fight like a sky person," Echo says with a smile. Raven laughs back at her.

"Yeah right. You'd have to ask Murphy that one," Harper says. "Him and Pike really went at it one time."

"He was being a dick."

"And so were you," Harper recalls.

"Oh, this sounds like story time," Monty says with a smile, sitting down and wrapping his hands together.

"What? We don't have anything else to do."

And so the story begins.


	16. Chapter 16

Chapter Sixteen

Emori

"Anyone want to say anything for the amends?" Harper asks as she sits down at the head of the table with Monty by her side. They sit down together, looking out at the rest of us.

John puts his hand on my leg under the table. I reach down to put mine on his. His fingers are trembling. I watch his face but I don't see anything different. He is looking at Harper. He must be hiding something from them.

"I'd like to," Echo says. We all turn to her. Her expression is strange. It is obvious that she is hiding something too. Everyone here seems to have something lulling on their minds today. Of course, we are all going to pretend that we haven't heard the fact that Bellamy is still in anguish about Clarke and it screams in his nightmares.

"I'd like to apologize to someone who isn't here. Clarke. I held her hostage and threatened her several times. I could have killed her many times over and I am glad that I never did," she says.

She is looking at Bellamy the entire time. He puts his arms over his chest as he stares at her, pressing his lips together in that all too familiar expression that shows fear.

We all see it.

"She gave me her suit. She didn't know if she would get sick. She didn't know if she was going to die because of it and I was just someone that threatened her life a lot. She shouldn't have done it. If it were me, I would not have been so kind. I owe Clarke a lot but more than anything, I owe her my life."

Bellamy just stares at her. For the rest of us, it is slightly awkward but we all know why. If you need to apologize to someone, go to the closest person they have. For Clarke, that was Bellamy.

"I am sure that Clarke would have accepted that, Echo," Harper says when no one else speaks. Bellamy looks to her with a strange expression. I lean back in my chair and John squeezes my leg a little harder. I put my hand on his, trying to make him look at me but he is still looking to Harper.

"You can't be sure of that," Bellamy says.

"Bellamy!" Harper says.

"He's right," Monty says, looking to her and then back to Echo. We are all confused now. "None of us can be sure if Clarke would have done anything because she's gone now. But that doesn't matter. Here we are trying to heal ourselves. Clarke can't forgive you. She's dead." I see Bellamy visibly wince at those words. "But you can forgive yourself for how you treated her, not because it's what she would have wanted, but because it's the right thing to do."

"We can't apologize to dead people. They don't care. They're dead," I agree.

Bellamy is about to stand up with Raven grabs his hand and pulls him back down to his seat. He stays but everyone can see on his face that he hates every moment of it.

John finally turns his head toward me and lets my leg go.

"I should be apologizing to Clarke too. For a lot of things. I killed that kid in the drop ship when he was sick. She didn't know why he was dead but I killed him because he hung me. I should apologize to her because every time she came around, I never did anything to help her. I should have. She was one of us. But I just saw her as an outsider after she left. I could have helped her in that building. Maybe I could have even done more about Lexa. I know she loved her."

Bellamy looks down at the table.

"When she died, did Clarke try to save her?" Bellamy asks but doesn't meet John's eyes. The two of them talk to each other without a single glance in the other's direction.

"Yes. She tried but it didn't matter. She was shot in the chest. She was bleeding out. Clarke cried a lot and kept trying to get us to help her so that she could save her."

"Did she watch her die?"

John turns his head toward Bellamy but he doesn't look up.

"Yeah," he finally says.

Bellamy gets up and leaves. Raven tries to grab his hand but it is too late. He is gone. I see him wipe his hand under his eye as he walks back toward his room.

"One more thing," John says. I look to him. "I'm sorry, Emori."

"What?" I demand.

He puts his hand back on my leg and I squeeze his fingers, realizing that this must have been what he was waiting to tell me, why he wouldn't look at me before.

"I am sorry that I slept with that fake bitch in Polis. I am sorry that I wasn't strong enough to break out and come back to you. I am sorry that I wasn't able to keep you safe when we were down in the bunker. I am sorry that I couldn't have saved you from the pain that your klan gave you and that I couldn't be there to make sure you didn't take the chip."

I can see water at the very edges of his eyes.

"It's okay, John." I say a couple of times to get him to stop. But when he is done, his lower lip trembles and he only looks at me.

"Last, I am sorry that I couldn't give you a beautiful, natural, happy life down on earth."

I wrap my arms around his back and he rests his head down on my shoulder.

"Well what do you know? John Murphy does have a heart," Monty jokes. I can feel him chuckle against me but I don't let go until his hands have stopped trembling and he knows that I forgive him.


	17. Chapter 17

Chapter Seventeen

Bellamy

"I think Raven has been paying more attention than you, Bellamy," Echo says.

"No way. I'm the champ!" I say, holding up my arms, which gets me an eye roll from both of the ladies in the room. Murphy walks by and gives us all the finger as he enters the kitchen. That's so like Murphy to just irritate people for no reason.

Last night was the first night I hadn't dreamt about Clarke. I don't know what to think about it. Part of me is afraid that I am losing the ability to think about her and that is really all I want to do anyway. But part of me is realizing that maybe I need to get over the grief part of it all. She has been dead for over a year.

That hurts too.

"Let's go Raven. Show Bell, what you've got," Echo says. I stand in the middle of the mat, telling her to join me. I try not to think about what she said. Bell. It's been so long since I have heard that. I never forget about Octavia. But I do try to forget about the pain related to her. I love her but there is too much pain related to her right now.

Echo never liked me. But she has been nice to all of us recently. We have all been nice to each other. It's almost as if we are really deciding to be a family up here.

I nod toward Raven and she holds out her hand. We shake hands and then dance around each other. I wait until her weight is on her bad leg and I take her down, easily overpowering her body and grabbing her arm. I lock it onto the mat and feel her leg wrap around me. She is able to push me over with a satisfied laugh.

I am able to overpower her too easily. I am too strong for her. I grab her arm as she puts her knee in my sternum. I suddenly remember hanging from the rope with my hands under my chin and Murphy laughing right in front of me. I remember the feeling of not being able to breathe. My chest is now aching in pain.

I push her knee off of me and then slam her leg into the mat. Her head hits the mat with a thud and I grab her arm, locking it across her body and putting my fist against her head but not really punching her. We don't hurt each other that much here.

"Great, Bellamy!" Echo says.

I look down when Raven turns her head to the side. I can see her beautiful brown eyes. I recognize a vulnerability in them that I have seen only twice before. I try to get it out of my head. I shouldn't be thinking about that anymore. But I want that kind of feeling with someone again.

I push myself off of her and stand up, holding out my hand. She takes it with a smile, clearly not remembering the same naked passions that are crossing my brain.

"I almost had you," she says with a smile.

"Yeah, you did," I agree.

"Maybe you should start with someone more your size," Echo admits with a small smile. It makes me glad that she is finally considering herself one of us.

"Ai op," I hear behind me. I turn around and see Emori with her normal hand raised.

"I'm in?" I ask.

"You're learning, Bellamy," Emori agrees, passing my shoulder. She takes her jacket off and then her shoes. She removes another layer, reveling a very tight and fit muscular body underneath with nothing but a small black later on her top. I had never seen Emori with less than all of her four layers. It's strange. She was always just Murphys' girl to me. Up here I have realized that she is a lot more than Murphy is. She is curious and a noble survivor, if that's possible.

I step back and watch the pair as Murphy puts his arm on the frame of the room. He leans on it as the pair begin to spar, dancing around each other and lunging a few times. Echo cheers them on and speaks suggestions from the side lines.

"Whoa. What's going on here?" Murphy asks.

"They're sparing."

"Emori, why are you doing that? You know you can wrestle with me anytime, babes," he says with a smirk that makes me want to hit him on the shoulder. I just lean back on the wall instead, ignoring him as Emori lunges at Raven. The two roll around. Emori locks Raven down on the ground but Raven is stronger. She is able to push her off and Emori knees her in the stomach.

"That's my girl!" Murphy shouts. "Fight dirty!"

"That's not fair," Raven says on her hands and knees, coughing. Emori stands up then and I am more of a fly on the wall than a member of this group.

"Fight isn't fair," Emori says.

"The sword doesn't care, Raven. It just cuts."

Octavia. I do miss her a lot. I have been trying to avoid it all. But there is no avoiding the truth. They are going to be down there for a long ass time and I am not going to see her.

Emori knees her in the stomach and grabs her arm, knocking her elbow out and then making her fall on the mat. As she is still catching her breath, Emori kicks her bad leg and sends her knee into her thigh, holding her down as she locks an arm across her chest.

Raven tries to fight her off. It is several seconds of struggling and movement before Raven lets her head fall back on the mat, defeated. I know she hates the feeling. As soon as Emori is off of her, she stands up and starts walking out of the room in anger.

"Raven! You can keep learning! I bested Bellamy the first time," Echo says after her. But Raven is already back at her command center. As the three of them figure out how they are going to deal with her, I already know. I pull myself from the wall and walk over to Raven. She is adjusting her ponytail and pressing buttons, pulling levers and looking very focused. But it is the kind of focused that is distracting her from some kind of pain.

"You okay?" I ask.

"Fine," she says.

"Does your leg hurt?"

"It's fine, Bellamy," she says again. I shrug and then start to walk away with my hands crossed over my chest.

"Fine. Don't talk to me, Raven."

"Wait."

I turn around and she gives me an understanding nod.

"Sit down," she offers and so I do.


	18. Chapter 18

Chapter Eighteen

Bellamy

"Wouldn't zero gravity make everything less painful?" I ask, leaning forward to be sure that no one else can hear us. I know she doesn't want others knowing this, though they probably should.

"Yes. But we aren't exactly zero gravity inside the Ring. We have gravity and oxygen here. My leg was hurting pretty bad after the chip was gone. I thought it would just go away."

"But it never did?" I ask.

She shakes her head.

"Have the other symptoms stopped?" I ask.

She nods.

"Just your leg."

"It's weak sometimes too," she admits. "Really weak and unstable. I hate every second of it. Emori had every right to use my weakness against me. But it just reminds me that everyone can see it. It's something everyone can see. Anyone can use it against me. I'm tired of it."

We both pause in a moment of understanding.

She rests her hand on my knee. I look to it and then back up to her gentle face.

"I know your scars aren't on the outside, Bellamy. If you ever want to talk about it with someone other than the group, you know you can tell me," she says.

I shake my head. I can't tell her about the women that I lost. I can't tell her about how I'm in love with her and how I wanted her to be with me for the rest of my life. But I lost that opportunity when I left her back on earth. There is nothing to talk about.

"You're thinking something all the time, Bellamy. You got up and left the other day when they mentioned Clarke and Lexa. What was that about? It wasn't exactly subtle," she says.

"I know." I wasn't trying to hide it. I don't try to hide anything but the real pain. When the screaming comes to my raw throat, when the tears fall down my already wet face, I have to hide from them. I can't just let these people see that kind of pain.

"Come on, Bellamy," she says again. "What was that really about?"

I know I should tell her. She is trying to be helpful and I should be thankful for that.

"She loved Lexa. I know that. To be honest, I didn't want her to love Lexa. I didn't want her to sleep with Nila. But she didn't want me to sleep with you or any of the other ten girls that I was with. When she had to watch Lexa die, she must have been so broken and terrified."

"Like me with Finn. I am sure it was terrible. I am sure that even a long while after Lexa was dead, she still missed her," Raven says. It doesn't help but I think I know what she is getting at. She understands what Clarke felt. It is okay to feel that way.

"But she had you, Bellamy," Raven says. "And you are so much stronger than anyone else we know. You and Clarke together was an impossible pair. You were invincible it seemed."

"We weren't that but we kept each other alive," I admit with a small smile. I can still see her calm, unworried face as her head rested on the pillow. I can see her eyes closed and her lips slightly parted. Her face is so rested, as if not a single problem in the world could get to her. I miss looking at that perfect expression.

"So when you thought about Clarke watching Lexa die?"

"It made me think that she never should have faced that pain alone. I never should have left her in Polis alone. I blamed her for it. I yelled at her for it but it was my fault. I should have made her feel like she should stay. I should have demanded that I stay in Polis with her. Maybe then it never would have happened," I admit.

If Lexa hadn't died, we would not have had nearly as many problems as we did. Clarke would not have had that kind of pain. She never deserved to feel that.

"Watching someone you love, love someone else is a kind of pain that you can never imagine until it's happening. Watching them treat someone the way you want them to treat you. Watching them care and coddle and confide in another person is excruciating," Raven admits.

I realize that she is creating a perfect parallel. I want to deny her and argue with her about it. But I decide that she knows now. Maybe not to what extent. But she knows that there was something more going on. I don't think I will ever figure out how or why Murphy knew.

"But I can't imagine the kind of pain that a person would feel if they were to watch that one that they loved lose that other person. Wanting to comfort them, wanting to be there for them, wanting them back and then realizing that they still want that other person…even if they're dead, more than they want you."

Raven stands up and puts her hand on my shoulder. I look down at my conjoined hands. One drop of water falls between my fingers. I let it slip down my hands. I try not to care when it happens again.

"That must be excruciating, Bellamy. But I bet loving her, no matter how painful it ended up being in the end, was still the greatest honor your heart has ever felt."

"You have no idea," I mutter.

"I do. No matter how long Finn is dead, no matter how much he loved Clarke, no matter how much he hurt me, my greatest memories of the ones where I had the great honor of loving him. Hold onto those memories, Bellamy. They'll keep you sane."


	19. Chapter 19

Chapter Nineteen

Bellamy

 _Dear Clarke,_

 _I am writing this letter because I don't know what else to do. I have still been having nightmares. It's been 20 months. I am learning Trig. I wish you were the one teaching me. I am also learning and teaching hand to hand combat with the others. It is a way to make life a little better up here._

"Bellamy! Come on! Dinner!" Raven shouts outside of my door.

"I'll be there later, Raven," I say back. I can almost hear her eyeball through the door.

"No. Now," she says.

I decide to ignore her this time. This is the only thing that is going to make me feel like I am talking to Clarke.

 _There are no words to describe how much I miss you. I regret leaving you everyday. I don't think I will ever truly be over it. Maybe one day I will be able to talk about you without crying or hear your name without getting angry or remember you without feeling like my heart is shattering in my chest._

"Bellamy!" Raven shouts again.

I stand up with anger and open the door. She is standing with her arms crossed over her chest and a look of annoyance on her face. I press my lips together, waiting for her to tell me what exactly it is that she wants since she has decided to bother me.

"Bellamy, we're all eating together. Harper wanted us to talk about some other amends," she says.

"No, Raven. Tell her I am working on my own right now."

"You're still broken. I know that. We all know that. None of us are healed but we are starting too. We can all see that this helping each other. Just come out here with us," she insists.

I look back to my desk with the paper and then to her. I am making my own amends. It is helping but right now I need to talk to Clarke. I need to remember her.

"Not right now, Raven. I promise I am okay. I am not going to freak out or scream or anything like that. I am just trying to make amends with myself. It's working, Raven. But right now I need to be alone. Please let me do that," I beg.

She nods.

"What do you want me to tell Harper?" she asks.

"Exactly that."

"Fine. Enjoy starving."

She leaves me alone and I close the door behind her. I go back to the desk where I sit down with my paper, enthralling myself with the memory of Clarke again.

 _Raven is insisting that I come make amends. It is working but I just want to talk to you. I thought that this might be the best way to make that shattering pain disappear. Before I waste away into nothing but sadness and depression, I need to figure out a way to be okay. Clarke, I miss you so much. I should've told you a long time ago. But I love you. I am sure that you knew. I am sure that you saw it in the hundreds of glances that we shared. But since I never said it out loud, there you go. I love you, Clarke Griffin._

A tear falls onto the paper. I brush it away but the damage is done. I sit back, wiping my hand over my face and then balling my hands into fists to force the shaking to stop. I look up at the ceiling and remember her perfect face.

Her curly, blonde hair falling in waves along our pillow.

Her careful eyes.

Her steady, working hands.

 _I should tell you that you would probably hit my shoulder for this, but I was really angry at myself for a long time. Sometimes, I still am. I should never have left you down there. I should have gone with you. At least then, you wouldn't have had to die alone. Sometimes I think I would be better off if I were there with you instead of here. I don't want to die. I just don't want to be without you._

 _Remember when we on that day trip so long ago? Remember when that kid tried to kill us? You shot him so that I could live. Thank you for that. Later that day when I told you about Aurora, my mom, you weren't just sympathetic. You were honest with me. Sometimes when I think about the dead and those that I miss, I don't think about you. I don't want to believe that you are dead. You were so real to me._

 _You told me that I wasn't a monster. What I didn't tell you is that I had never cried in front of anyone before. Not even Octavia. I never wanted her to know how scared I was all the time. But then you were there and you were so kind and gentle and I trusted you more than anyone else. Thank you for being that way. In my darkest moments I have tried to remember what you said. I have tried to believe it because you really did believe it, Clarke. I am not a monster. You taught me that._

I can hear them laughing. I hope it is about something good. I brush the tears from my face again and then lean back so that they don't fall on the paper this time. I don't even feel stupid for crying. It actually feels right this time, as if I am getting rid of the pain, not just feeling it or drawing in it like I normally do.

 _I wish I could've seen your drawings, Clarke. I wish I could've seen the beauty in your normal life._

I remember it all. I would have loved to see her paintings, her drawings, how she saw the world. Maybe it would have made everything else feel a little less cynical and a little more humane.

 _Remember when you told me that you didn't want to lose me too after Finn died? Well, I thought that maybe you felt the same way for me that I did for you. I thought about telling you a hundred times. Every moment I was in Mount Weather I wanted to know what you were thinking, why you changed your mind, if there was something that I had done. But then I heard your voice and everything came back. I was okay again. I realized that I was never just doing anything for my sister. It was for her because I love her. And god I miss her so much. I am always scared for her. But I did it for another women too. A women I loved._

 _I did it for you, Clarke. I did it all for you._

 _If I could have the honor of seeing you just one more moment, hugging you just one more time, finally allowing myself to say the words that you have missed out on for so long, I would be forever grateful. But I know I will not have that privilege. I will not have that honor._

I put the letter aside and stand, going to the main room where everyone is sitting down. I sit down silently as Harper speaks. I only catch the last half of their conversation so I sit in silence before they realize that I have joined them.

"You okay?" Raven asks.

"Great," I assure.

I really am. I really am great. I actually feel like everything might be okay again.

"We were just talking about the first days of life on the ground," Monty says. "You know the ring of fire and all of that."

"Oh, I remember."

He hands me a bowl of algae. I take sips of it as they talk about what it was like for them. Emori and Echo have no part of this. They are listening to it like a story until Murphy reaches the end where he looks to Raven. I can see him grabbing Emori's hand under the table. I don't think he realizes just how much he relies on her. They are truly in love.

"I was in pain, bleeding and tired of being tortured. To be truthful, I was scared to death. Raven tried to shoot me but her gun didn't work. We were in the drop ship together for a while. She asked me about my past and I told her. She made fun of me. But she never tried to hurt me after that moment. She should have. She should have killed me for what I did to her."

He pauses and looks across the table to Raven.

"You already apologized for shooting me, Murphy," she says. "We don't have to relive it."

"I wasn't going to," he says with sadness. I am the only one that really sees just how vulnerable he is. Well, except for Emori who probably knows it even better than I do.

"I was going to say thank you for listening to me and thank you for lying to Abby about what happened to you. Thank you for not getting me killed, when you really should have. You would have had every right to but you didn't. Thank you for that."

She gives him a small smile as I finish the last of the algae, setting the bowl back down on the table.

"Anytime, Murphy. She holds out her hand."

They shake.

"That sounds like enough for today," Harper says with a satisfied smile. Emori and Murphy get up. Echo goes to the mat just a few yards from us. The others stay. Raven leans back in her chair. I do the same, not ready to leave yet.

"So what were you doing that was so important?" Raven asks.

I give her a satisfied smile and push myself from my chair.

"Talking to Clarke."


	20. Chapter 20

Chapter Twenty

Harper

I feel him sitting up beside me. I sit up to see his hands on his face and his body kneeling over himself. I put my hand on his bare back, rubbing gentle circles and kisses his shoulder until he looks back at me. He looks scared and sad when he finally does. There are tears on his eyes.

"Monty," I whisper. "What is it?"

"I think we need to have a funeral for Jasper," he says and then a single tears roll down his cheek in his grief. I put my hand to his face and look into his eyes. "I think I need a funeral for him."

I nod.

"Okay. We can do that. I am sure everyone will want to," I assure. "They were his friend too."

"I don't know, Harper," he says with a shrug. He leans back on the pillows so that I can lay on his chest. I put my arm over his body and look into his perfect eyes.

"When we had a funeral for Clarke…I've never seen Bellamy like that. He was so—"

"Broken?" I ask.

He nods.

"He's always broken. He just didn't show it until the funeral. You think he is okay all the time when he's sitting alone in his room? He's always broken. But he was comfortable enough to share it with us then. I think you need to share your pain, Monty."

I watch him shake his head.

"I don't want to," he says.

"I know. And Bellamy didn't either but I think it really helped him."

"He still gets upset about Clarke," he says.

"But not every time. He is going to grieve her for the rest of his life. He misses her. He doesn't know how to function without her. That was his whole life, Monty. But you had me. All he had was Clarke and Octavia and they are both gone."

I watch him nod his head. I am not sure if he understands or if he is just agreeing with me. I take his hand as I stand. I put my clothes on quickly, pulling my pants on and then tossing my shirt over my head. I fix my hair as he does the same. Finally he looks to me with sadness and holds out his hand. I take it, letting him pull me in.

"Hold my hand?" he asks.

"Of course," I promise him.

"Bellamy had to face that alone. If that were you…I guess I would be in worse shape than him."

"I don't know," I say with a sigh as I hear something go flying in the room beside us. It was him. That is Bellamy's room and these walls are thick. I hear him scream once in a deep, agonized tone.

"I think he's pretty bad off."

Monty nods.

"I'll get Bellamy. You get the others," I tell him.

He nods.

I go to Bellamy's door. It's silent now. I knock. I hear a groan so I knock again. This time the door opens. Bellamy is standing with nothing but his pants on. He shrugs when he sees me. His hand is shaking at his side. I guess he punched the wall from the bruising and blood on his knuckles. I almost want to reach over and hug him. He really deserves a hug.

"What's up?" he asks.

"Are you okay?"

He looks like he might laugh but then he just nods very small.

"Always am," he says.

"You don't have to lie," I tell him.

"I'm fine. I was just…it doesn't matter. Do you need me for something?" he asks. I decide to let it go. He doesn't want to talk about it with anyone. We have all tried. Sometimes when he does talk about it, I can almost see his eyes healing and his face becoming calm again. But then I hear his terrifying nightmares and I think that I don't know if anything will ever help. But god, I hope something does. He doesn't deserve this pain.

"Bellamy, Monty wants you to come to Jasper's funeral," I tell him.

"Of course," he says with a nod. He grabs his shirt and pulls it over his head as I lead him out to the main room.

Everyone has already gathered. Echo leans against the back wall. I gesture for her to come toward us but she shakes her head.

"I didn't know him," she says. "I don't want to be disrespectful."

I nod. I don't know what that means but I am just going to leave it alone. Emori didn't know him either but she is clinging to Murphy's arm. He has his head down, playing with her fingers absentmindedly. Bellamy stands at his place around the table.

"Thank you guys for coming here," Monty says. I make sure to reach down and grab his hand, wrapping my fingers in his. He looks down at it and then up at everyone else.

"I know that we all did a funeral for Clarke. I thought that maybe talking about Jasper might help us in the same way," he says. "Who would like to go first?"

When no one says anything, I raise my hand. "I would like to." Monty looks at me with a thankful expression. I know that he wants to talk but is afraid like Bellamy was. In the end, he will crumble just the same. The difference is, he won't be alone when it happens. He will have me. Bellamy doesn't have anyone.

"I knew Jasper from the beginning. For a long time being a part of the 100 didn't matter to anyone. But it mattered to him. It made us a part of something. I trusted him. He was a good shot and always made me laugh. When I was scared and worried about the grounder attack, he was the one that made it go away. He was the one that made a joke or told me that he had my back. I appreciated it, not just because he was flirting but also because I knew he wasn't lying."

Monty squeezes my hand.

"He was loyal. I always appreciated his bravery, even when he was too brave for his own good," I finish. I look around the room.

"I miss you, Jasper. I'm sorry I couldn't save you from Mount Weather," Raven says.

I turn to the others. Emori looks down at the table. We all know she has nothing to say.

"I didn't know him well and I think he hated me. But he deserved too. I wasn't exactly a good person when I knew him. But I watched as he worked with Bellamy and the others. I admired his loyalty. Oh. And sorry for demanding that someone kill you. It was the wrong choice. You didn't deserve that. You were pretty badass for surviving those grounders. You did it better than I did. For that…I hope you rest in peace, buddy." He pauses. We all think he is done but he bites his lip and then holds out his hand. "I hope you find Maia up there. And I hope it's just as beautiful as it was down there on earth."

I want to thank him. I want to tell him that was exactly the right thing to say. Instead I look to Bellamy. He is the one left aside from Monty. Bellamy nods.

"He told me once that no one cares about my reasons because they are my reasons. He told me that at the end of this beautiful, terrible earth, we all have our reasons. He was right." He gives a small smile. "I know what he wanted was to be dead for a long time because of Maia. I understand that pain now. I thought he was being dramatic. Honestly, I don't blame him for getting drunk all the time. I think it was admirable that he stayed alive for so long. When he died, I knew it was time. I hugged him. I got to say goodbye. I knew that it was his time to go. I can respect a man that is prepared to meet his fate."

I am worried for him for a moment and then he continues.

"Jasper, you were right. No one cares about your reasons because they are your reasons. That Earth is beautiful and terrible. I see that now. I should thank you. You made me realize that I shouldn't be wallowing in my reasons. I should be enjoying life, the same way that you did." Bellamy smiles then gives a nod toward Monty. "See you on the other side."

Monty looks to me and then to everyone else.

"I guess I should say…I miss you, man," he admits. I squeeze his hand and then wrap my other arm around him to keep him close. "You were not just my best friend. Sure, we got arrested together, we smoked together and we lived down on earth together. But you were my brother. I would've done anything to save you when the grounders took you. I tried so many times to save you when you got drunk. I regretted pulling that lever for one reason. You were so happy with Maia. You were so fearless with her. You found your person and I took that from you." He gets chocked up. Tears fall from his eyes and he sniffles a little. I squeeze him harder. "I shouldn't have done that. I should have tried to help you when it was over, when Maia was gone. I tried to convince you to stay with me. But that betrayal never really left you. When you were dying…" He starts crying harder. His face goes down to his chest. I wrap my arm around his waist and pull him closer to my hip. He brushes his hand down his face.

"When you were dying, I was terrified that I wasn't going to be able to save you. But when I realized there was nothing I could do, I didn't give up. But you told me to tell you that I loved you. You told me that I shouldn't blame myself. You were even yourself, joking in your last moments. I respected that. I hope I never lose myself either. Jasper, I am sorry that I didn't tell you when you were alive. I love you. You will always be my brother," he says and then crashes into sobs.

I wrap him in a hug and I feel Raven put her arms around me. Monty rests his head on my shoulder. Emori is around Raven and then Murphy joins in, hugging us all together. Bellamy finally joins on the other side, hugging Monty's back. I didn't think it would happen but even Echo pushes herself from the wall and hugs around Bellamy.

"Yu gomplei ste odon," Echo says. I smile at her with a small nod. I want to thank her for doing that for him. It was a perfect sign of respect and gratitude and Jasper deserved it.

"Goodbye Jasper," Monty says. "May we meet again."

"May we meet again."


	21. Chapter 21

Chapter Twenty One

Bellamy

 _Dear Clarke,_

 _I am writing you again because it has been two years and I have done nothing but grieve. Of course, it is not just you. It is the life that we could have had together. I had a dream about you last night._

I brush the tear from the paper. I internally yell at myself for this. This should be allowing me to heal, not making me cry over her again. That doesn't help anyone. I know that I will have to go back out there for my Trig lesson again. If I don't go, Echo will come looking for me or Emori or most likely Raven. I would rather it be Raven. She knows that my pain has not eased. I have been trying harder to be normal, to be okay. Learning Trig and fighting and exercising has been helping. But nothing can bring my Clarke back to me.

 _Every moment we had together is a moment I relive in my dreams. Normally I wake screaming or crying from them. Last night was different. I felt nothing but happiness when I woke up. It went away when I realized it might never be real. I would never have thought about this when we were on the ground. If we were born in the same station and we met as teenagers, things might have been different._

It even feels strange writing it down right now. It is almost as if she can really hear me. She might really find this out if I tell it to her right now. I don't believe in religion or god but I think she can feel me with her right now. I can certainly feel her with me. I wonder if things would have been different if that were to truly happen.

 _Perhaps I would have asked you on a date. You would have denied me. I would have been persistent and eventually worn you down. When you finally agreed, I would have been terrified but also excited. Then later you would have worn your favorite dress and I would have scrounged up a shirt without a stain. We would have professed our love to each other in front of our families and friends. Octavia would have been smiling at my side. Aurora and Abby too._

I sniffle when the tears come faster. But there is also a smile on my face. I can feel that elation coming across my entire body. If we were together now, things would have been different.

 _Last night I saw you with a round belly laying next to me in bed. You were smiling. In the same dream I saw you holding a baby with a tan complexion, dark hair and bright blue eyes. She had your eyes Clarke. She had my freckles. She had your smile. She had my curls. She was ours, Clarke. She was ours. Her name was Aurora. It was embroidered on her pink blanket. We were so happy. I am sorry that I could not have given that to you. You deserved that happiness._

I hear a knock at my door. I guessed that it would not be long until I received that knock. I sniffle in a lame attempt to make my voice sound deeper. It fails.

"What?" I demand.

"Teik's go nau," she says.

 _Let's go now._

It's Echo.

"Un ticka," I respond.

 _One second._

I go back to my letter, trying so hard to keep my face sort of in check when I realize that I am going to lose that battle. I have to finish it now before Echo allows herself in here.

"Bellamy!" she shouts.

I sigh and put my shaking hand back down on the paper in front of me. I close my eyes to calm myself but I end up seeing her instead. She had such a beautiful face. Her eyes were so blue and bright. Her hair blonde. I never told her this but my favorite was when she allowed just a few braids to intertwine into it. I preferred her blonde hair free from her face so that I could see her smooth skin light lips.

 _I remember everything about you, Clarke. If we were together the way that we should have been, we would have had the most beautiful child. She would have had your head and my heart. Together, we would have created the most incredible thing that life had ever seen. I am so sorry that you never got the chance to feel that. You deserved it and so much more. Don't worry…your memory will live on as long as I live and if I am ever lucky enough to have children, I will tell them all about my first love. You will live on amongst the earth, the trees and the joy of being free._

 _May we meet again, Clarke. Don't worry, I know we will._

Now my body is in racking sobs. I cannot control this feeling. I rest my head on my arms and allow my shoulders to shake in pain. The tears come rapidly. I hear my door being opened. It takes a long time before it finally is. I beg it not to be. I stand up and run my hand down my face when I realize that she is going to be coming in anyway.

"Bellamy. Come on. I thought—"

Echo stops when she realizes that I was crying. There is no hiding it. I sniffle and swallow hard. My face falls into a tough, hard expression that makes me press my lips together as hard as I can. Echo looks to me with sympathy.

"I said I'll be right there," I said.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to interrupt," she says.

"Next time maybe you could listen when someone tells you that they will be out in a second."

She nods.

"I'm sorry, Bellamy," she says.

"Sure, you are. Get out, Echo," I demand.

"No. Come on. You can talk to me. We are all friends here. Just talk to us," she asks.

"No. You aren't Harper the peace maker and you aren't Raven the brave so get out of my room," I say again. She doesn't listen. She straightens her posture and looks at me directly. I don't understand. She doesn't even like me so why does she want to help?

"Let me help you," she begs. "You're hurting. You miss someone that you loved. Just let me help you."

"What did you just say to me?" I ask.

She looks confused but all I can feel is anger. I step toward her with my hands in fists and my head filled with rage. I want nothing more than to attack her right now.

"You miss Clarke. It's okay. We all miss someone. Maybe if you stay busy, you can—"

"No, Echo. Bants ai," I demand.

 _Leave me._

"Let me—"

"Nou! Bants nau!" I shout again.

 _No. Leave now._

She nods and puts her arms over her chest. I know that she wants me to talk to her. I just don't get it. When she is out the door, I grab her arm. She turns around slowly, so slowly that she is looking to my hand on her with fear. I drop it and then her face becomes bewildered.

"How did you know?" I ask. I don't ask her the entire thing. She already knows what I am asking.

 _How did you know that I loved Clarke?_

She smiles.

"Anyone with eyes knows that you loved Clarke, Bellamy."

She drops her arm and leaves me to my pain.


	22. Chapter 22

Chapter Twenty Two

Bellamy

"You would think that you would have something better to do than sit around a table all day," Murphy says as he walks by. Emori rolls her eyes at him and then continues with our lesson.

"Hondes," Emori says.

"Love," I say back.

She smiles. "Right."

"Whoa there, Emori," Murphy says, putting his hand on her shoulder. He sits down beside her and leans back, looking at his hands. He has been in a particularly annoying mood recently.

"Maybe if you spent less time moping and more time trying to become better, you wouldn't feel so left out and bored all the time," Emori says. He doesn't respond.

"Ai hod yu in, John. You're lucky."

"I something you," I repeat. "I don't know it. What did you say?"

She looks to Murphy but he just shrugs his shoulders. He looks irritated at her. He should be thankful that he had the courage to say something to her in the first place and that she actually said it back. He should be thankful he has someone up here to share something with. Sometimes he makes me livid. He has no idea how good he has it.

"You don't even know one of the most simple phrases," Emori chastises him.

"You just told me that hondes meant love. Well when you put it into a sentence, you have to change it. It's hod in. So you Ai meaning I hod yu, meaning love you."

Murphy smiles then and wraps his arms round her. She doesn't seem to care as she looks over at me, continuing our lesson.

"Then what is the _in_ for?" I ask.

"To complete the sentence," Emori says, as if questioning herself. I bet they didn't really think any of this through. It is not as if this is a language that they write down.

" _In_ completes the phrase," Echo answers. She is sitting right across from us with her hands on the table. "In is completing the word love. Without that the word hod doesn't mean anything."

"Got it. Is that with all words?" I ask.

"No. Just some of them."

"Great," I say with a shrug. "I am never going to get this." I don't tell them that I wish Clarke would have taught me a long time ago or that I would have paid attention Octavia when she spoke it to other people.

"Yes you will."

"You've got plenty of time," Raven says, resting her hand on Emori. "Want to come learn about control panels?"

"Yes!" Emori says with a smile and then pushes her chair from the table. She follows Raven, leaving Murphy angry and seething. He leans back in his chair as I look to Echo.

"Care to continue?" I ask her.

She nods.

"Is there something you want to know?" she asks.

"Trikru is easy. Tree clan. What about Izgeda?"

"Ice nation. Iz is ice and geda is nation."

That actually makes more sense than I thought it would.

"Flokru?"

"We use wata for water but flo can mean moving water. It could be a lake or an ocean. Some words don't have an exact translation."

"Basically it means moving water clan?" I ask.

She laughs and I don't think I have ever heard her laugh before. She has a very beautiful smile. It is so rare that maybe it makes it more worth it to see. But when she does, she makes me smile as if it is contagious. Her laugh is higher than I thought it would be. Perhaps she is a lighter person than we all give her credit for.

"This is a waste of time," Murphy mutters.

"No, John. You are a waste of time," Emori says. It makes me raise my eyebrows at her. I turn back to Echo and pretend as if I did not hear that interaction.

"The rest of us are trying to make life better. Maybe you could try to do the same," Emori says.

"Sure, honey…I'm going to keep our bed warm," he says, pushing himself from the table. I roll my eyes at him. Emori looks annoyed. Before Murphy can leave the room, I get up and grab his shoulder. I flip him around and make sure he is paying attention to me.

"You have no idea how lucky you are that she puts up with your ungrateful ass," I say quietly. "Try showing her a little more gratitude before she realizes she is too good for you."

He looks confused but then nods in agreement. He walks away and I let him. I shouldn't go on any further. I probably shouldn't be threatening the people up here. It's not as if we have many friends.

"Bellamy," Echo calls.

"What?"

"Gomplei," she says with a smile.

"I know that one!" I shout, following her into the work out room and onto the mat we have pulled over. I smile as I meet her on the mat. She dances around me, not even giving me a warm up. I practice against her for the next thirty minutes. When it is all over and I am sitting across from her on the mat, catching my breath.

"You're getting better," she says with a smile. "But you're used to fighting with a weapon."

I laugh and she looks at me with confusion.

"What?" she asks.

"We always talk about learning. Why don't we talk about you?" I ask with a smile. She shrugs. I know a lot about all of the others. But I should probably know something about the person who I am spending a lot of time with.

"What do you want to know?" she asks.

"I don't know, Echo. Tell me something interesting."

"I give my life to Izgeda. Even as a child all I did was fight and learn. I never cared about anything or anyone other than Ice Nation. When I was cast out, I was devastated."

I nod.

"You should smile more, Echo. You have a nice smile."

I get a smile out of her then but her cheeks become flushed. I wonder why and then see a flicker of something in her eyes that I had seen when I pinned her down on the mat not long ago.

"Thank you," she says with a smile. "You should too."

For the first time in over two years, I wasn't thinking about Clarke.


	23. Chapter 23

Chapter Twenty Three

Bellamy

They're back. The nightmares are back. They returned with a vengeance. I thought they were gone. I thought that I would be okay, that I was starting to heal from losing her.

Last night I saw her standing in front of me. She had her hand out. I wanted to take it. I even tried to. But then she pulled away. She looked disgusted. She said I was too weak to tell her, too weak to even be here. I want to beg her to return to me. I begged her then. She kept staring at me. I fell to my knees and sobbed, holding my hands out for her. I just wanted to feel her one more time.

Hold her one more time.

Please. Oh god please.

Nothing. I got nothing in return.

Now I am alone up on this ring and I should be down there with her. I should be letting her hold me, telling me I am not a monster, comforting my ever nightmare. Instead I am alone. I probably deserve to be alone. I definitely don't deserve her.

I can hear voices outside of my room. I try not to listen to them. I wipe my face off but more tears come. I pull my knees closer to my chest and burry my face in my knees. I close my eyes but then I see her face. That scar under her right eye is still there. Her hair is still pink in some places but most of it is this perfect curly blonde that I love so much.

"He skipped breakfast," I hear. It was Raven.

I try to ignore it. I don't want to hear her. I don't want to talk to her. She tried to understand. She lost Finn. But she was with Finn. I was never with Clarke. Not that way. It was something so much more. It was not a cheap relationship. We could not be changed. We cannot be altered. We will be forced together if there is an afterlife. Our souls are cut from the same cloth. There is no ignoring that.

"He had a nightmare last night," Harper says.

"Bad?" Raven asks.

"The worst."

"I thought he was getting better," Monty says. Then I wonder how many people are not right outside of my door. But I decide to ignore them. I lean against the cold wall.

I sniffle and then rest my head back down on my knees. I can't stop thinking about that nightmare. She wouldn't help me. She was staring at me but she wouldn't help me. That's not like Clarke. She would have helped me. She always did.

For a very brief moment I can almost feel her arms around me. Her body is on mine. Her arms are thrown around my neck and I encompass her in my strength. We stand there, holding each other for a long time before she rests her head back down on my chest. We stand there out in the open, proud that we are together.

Instead of her slipping her hand in mine and being scared to death that someone might notice.

Instead of her wrapping her arm around my waist in the dead of night because of a nightmare.

Instead of her moving my sweaty hair from my face when no one is looking.

I grab a piece of paper and my pen from my desk. I sit down, brushing my hair from my face just as she would. It's not as gentle or caring. It doesn't feel the same. And I want it too. I want it to so badly. I never thought that I would want to feel her arms around me so badly. I never imagined that it would hurt this bad.

 _Dear Clarke,_

 _I need you._

My body is shaking again. It is terrifying. My body doesn't even feel like mine. My heart is being ripped from my chest. Someone stands before me, pulling it out and yanking with all of their strength. In the end, they stand before me with my heart in their hand. I'm scared. So scared that I can't even move. The pain comes then. It rips through me like the worst pain I have ever felt in my life.

 _I miss you so bad. This isn't working anymore. I thought that it would. But everything hurts too much. I just want you back, Clarke. I just need you to come back to me._

"Bellamy!" Raven says, knocking on my door. I can't answer it. My body hurts too much.

"Come on, Bellamy. Just let me in."

I can't do it. That pain is building up. It is starting to become overwhelming. Soon it will take me over and I will not be able to survive any of it. I will collapse and become nothing.

I scream.

I scream loud and rough and as hard as I can until I collapse on the floor in agony.

I fall onto my hands with a thud. When I inhale, it takes everything that I have. My chest heaves and then the sobbing comes back. I wrap my arms around my legs and lean back on my bed. It all hurts too much. I can hear Raven but it doesn't matter. It's not going to take away this kind of ripping pain.

Banging on my door.

In my head.

Her head.

How can the heart function without the head? It can't. It explodes. It gets ripped from my chest. My heart has become useless without Clarke's head. I wonder if it will ever be useful again.

The door opens. I hold my breath so whoever that is cannot hear my ragged breaths and terrifying sobs. I try desperately to listen to something else, to think about something else. If I don't, I am going to lose myself again.

"Bellamy?" a voice asks.

Echo.

I don't move.

"Bellamy?" she asks again. The door closes behind her. I don't hear anymore footsteps but I can't look up. I am sure she knows. Everyone probably heard me. But I can't give her any proof. I already know I'm pathetic.

She sits down across from me. I can feel her feet tapping mine. I don't move.

"Was it about Clarke?" she asks.

I nod but don't look up at her.

"I am so sorry for your loss, Bellamy. I truly am. You have lost too much. We all have. But now…now we have to move on. Letting ourselves live in the past is not going to heal us," she says. It sounds stupid and annoying. I want to kick her out but I am not strong enough to even look up right now. It is taking all of my strength not to break down.

"We cannot hate ourselves," she says. "I have done many terrible things. But Harper has taught us that those things were done then. What we do now is different. What we do now is important, Bellamy."

I can't talk. I want to tell her to back off and leave me alone but it doesn't work.

"What is this?" she asks. I can hear paper moving. I look up and realize that she has her hand on my letter to Clarke. I grab it from her and stand up instantly, taking it and hiding it under my pillow. She looks hurt but then nods at my wet, angered face.

"Not for you," I assure.

"So it was about Clarke," she says.

"Not your business."

"I am trying to help," she insists.

"I don't want help from you, from any of you!" I shout at her. I don't even care when she looks offended. She pushes herself to stand and opens the door, standing there while still looking to me.

"I want to be alone," I say.

"No you don't," she says with a shake of her head. "You want to be with Clarke. You can mourn her, Bellamy. But at some point you have to let go of her and let the rest of us in."

I shake my head.

"I will never stop mourning Clarke. Not until the day I die."

She closes the door behind her with a sad expression. I sit back on my bed, clutching the paper in my hands.

"I should have died with you, Clarke," I mumble. "I should be with you."


	24. Chapter 24

Chapter Twenty Four

Emori

I lean back and rest my boots on the table. Monty looks offended but I only smile in return.

"Emori," he says, gesturing toward my feet. I shrug and he looks more frustrated than ever. "Do you mind?"

"No, I don't mind."

I keep them there.

He rolls his eyes and sits down with his lung bowl of algae. He eats next to Harper. They talk in whispers sometimes.

"Where's Murphy?" Harper asks.

I shrug.

"Sleeping," I say.

I look back to the people in front of me. Echo and Bellamy have been talking back and forth in trig for a while now. I am impressed with him. People take a while to learn our language. He picked up on things on earth but this is a lot more.

"Raven, algae is ready," Monty says.

"I'll be there in a second," she assures.

"Rominion," Bellamy says in return.

"Very good," Echo says with a smile. "You are going to get it in full conversations in no time."

He nods and then shrugs, leaning back on his chair.

"Well what the hell am I going to do for the rest of the time?" he jokes. I look to the both of them.

"You could teach him customs, our ways," I suggest.

"I don't think that's going to matter down there," Monty says. Bellamy shoots him a look but then looks back down at the table. He is still not good at talking about the people that he lost or the people he can no longer be with. It scares him.

"Octavia won't let them practice anything. She already made it clear that they were wonkru and would be working together so that there were no more clans," Monty says.

"Maybe," Bellamy mutters.

I hear something fall. It sounds like a thud. We all hear it. This place echos. We turn to the opening that leads us to the rooms we sleep in. We all stare.

"Everyone is in here," I say.

"Everyone except for Murphy," Bellamy says.

"He's probably fine."

I go back to taking sips of this terrible algae. But really, it is not as if this is the worst thing I have ever eaten. I hear a door open and then something falls. Metal on metal. Now that's strange. We all turn to it again but this time people are getting annoyed.

"Murphy como time," Echo mutters.

 _Murphy as always._

"Dis em ouse doo," I say back to him.

 _This is his home too._

"Are you going to check on him?" Bellamy asks.

I roll my eyes and then push myself to stand. I shouldn't check on him. He told me to get out of the room this morning. He didn't want me there. I make myself stand and walk to his room. I stop when I see him sitting with his back against the wall and the door partly open. He has his hand on his chest and his other on the floor beside him.

"John?" I ask.

"My chest," he says.

I lean down and put my hand to his chest. His eyes are filled with worry. There is fear written all over his rigid body. His voice is shaking but hard to the touch.

"What happened?" I ask again.

He shakes his head and continues to hold his hand to his chest. I put my hand to his and squeeze him.

"What is it, John?" I demand.

He shakes his head again. His breathing is becoming slow. His eyes roll back and then he is on the ground. His body is limp as he lays beside me with his head on my knee. His breathing becomes almost normal but still sounds like gasping. I don't care what he thinks. He needs help. I start screaming. It is all I can do.

"Help! Help!"

Everyone comes running.

The first one I see is Bellamy. He holds his hand out to me. I move so that he can see John on the ground. He looks confused. He puts his hand on his face and then under his chin.

"His heart rate is fast," he says.

"He said something about his chest. I think it hurt."

"Was he okay this morning?"

"He was angry. He told me to leave when we woke up. He said he wanted to be alone," I admit.

"Get some water," Bellamy says.

Harper hands him her bottle. He puts it to John's lips and pours slowly. He drinks, almost choking on it and waking up. His eyes flutter open. I can feel myself breathing again. I put my arm around his body, leaning closer to him.

He puts his weight on me, looking to the others.

"Does your chest still hurt?" I ask.

"Dull ache," he admits.

"Anything else?"

"My hand hurt earlier, down my right arm," he says.

"Oh my god," Bellamy says, standing up. He turns to the others and then back to me. It's as if he wants someone else to tell me or maybe someone else to figure it out.

"What?" I ask.

"What is it? Dude, just tell me," John says.

"I think you had a heart attack."

I wrap my arms around him and put my head in his neck. He nods against me, holding me close to him. I can feel his embrace is shaking but he is trying to comfort me.

"You passed out from the pain or from your heart rate elevating so quickly," Bellamy says.

"So what do we do?" he asks, still holding me.

"I don't know," Bellamy says. "Just another reason we need Clarke."

I can hear footsteps. Bellamy is walking away.

"Be sure to rest," Harper says. "When my dad had a heart attack, they had him resting a lot. Don't pick up heavy things, no straining and get a lot of sleep."

I can feel John nod against the top of my head.

"Don't ever kick me out again, John," I say to him.

"I won't," he assures.

"Ai hod yu in," I tell him.

"Back at you."

I smile because it is so like John to tell me that when I just professed my love.


	25. Chapter 25

Chapter Twenty Five

Bellamy

I might be able to fight and talk like a grounder now, but I sure as hell don't feel like one. The nightmares are far less frequent than they were. However, I still have them. This nights are particularly terrible. I wake up with tears on my face and sweat dripping my body. I stand up because I can't be in this tight room any longer. I close the door behind me before wondering the halls in nothing but loose pants. I am going to just keep walking when I see Echo sitting in a chair in our main area.

I lean on the side of the opening. She looks up at me and wipes her face with one hand. It makes me question what she was sitting out here for. Maybe she lost someone too.

I sit down next to her and she smiles when she sees me.

"Are you alright?" she asks.

I nod.

She knows it's a lie.

"Aren't we friends now?" she asks.

"Sure. Friends."

She smiles too, almost as if it sarcastic. I sit back in my chair, playing with my fingers in my lap.

"What was it about? The nightmare?" she asks.

I shrug.

"Bellamy," she says again in that accent that I actually find quite pretty. I always love the way that they speak back and forth. There is something so amazing about their language, especially when they speak it that just makes me intrigued.

"Tell me," she says again, nudging my shoulder. I smile in reaction and nudge her back.

"Leaving Clarke. Watching her die. That's what it always is," I admit. I hate to think about that. I hate to tell someone else that I need her and that she is never going to leave me.

"You need to let her go," she says.

"I can't," I say. "I never will."

Echo looks almost annoyed, which is strange. I try not to pay attention to it. I lean on my elbows on the table. I look down at them and then rest my chin on my forearm. I look over at the blank wall and wish that it were trees. I wish that it were beautiful like the ground. I am tired of living up here and staring at metal.

"Wanheda ste stedaunon," she says.

 _The commander of death is dead._

"I know," I say in a sad voice.

"I'm sorry, Bellamy. But you can't hold onto her like this anymore. It's not going to help anyone or anything. You are just going to feel bad about yourself the rest of the time we are up here."

I do not have anything to say to that. I know it to be true and I feel the same way because I cannot control it. It hurts so badly all the time. I am tired of the hurt. But if it has to hurt to remember her, I will be in pain for the rest of my life.

"I don't care," I admit.

"Bellamy, it has been almost three years," she says.

"Time violation," I tell her with a smile. She smiles back but it does not last long.

"You have been so alone for so long. Harper is right. You need to heal," she says. I know that she is right but it doesn't matter. I need Clarke back. I am not going to be okay until then.

"You're okay, Bellamy," she says.

I look up at her. She has a serious expression but also some sympathy. She holds her hand out. My hands are shaking. I don't want her to see that. But there is something in her eyes. Something familiar. I can feel that feeling growing in my gut. It's comfort. I want it so badly. But I'm scared of it at the same time.

"Come on," she says, pushing her hand closer to me. I want to. I lean closer to her and take a deep breath but it shakes when I release it. I bite my lower lip to keep it from trembling.

"Let yourself heal over Clarke, Bellamy," she says.

I shake my head.

I can't just leave her. Not again.

She flexes her fingers out, brushing them against my closed fist. I open my hand and rest my fingers on top of hers. She has a whisky longing in her eyes. She looks almost inspired. I see that familiarity and hope resting on her expression.

"It's alright," she assures.

My fingers are still shaking so she interlocks our hands together. It is strange but nice. It feels almost as if I am with Gina. It is not exactly what I want but I like it, I respect it and I crave it. If I cannot have Clarke ever again, I deserve to remember how to be somewhat happy. I think that is all Echo is trying to show me.

"Thanks," I say.

"Do you dream about her every night?" she asks.

"Almost."

"I dream about being back in my clan, learning and fighting with my people," she says. It is not the same but I understand. We both want the normalcy that we had back on earth. Something terrible took that all away from us.

"It wasn't fair," I admit, biting down harder on my lip. I can taste blood but I will not cry in front of Echo. No way. I can't let her see me in so much pain.

"Praimfaya wasn't fair to anyone. It took so much from all of us and it didn't care," she says.

"The sword doesn't care…it just cuts. No one cares about your reasons because at the end of the day, they are your reasons," I say in a monotone, terrifying voice.

I lean toward her, finding that same hate in her eyes. She craves normalcy just as much as I do. She craves being back home with her people just as much as I do. She understands.

"I just want someone to care," I admit, letting my lip go. I won't let myself cry but now she can see some of the pain that I carry around in my heart in my eyes.

"I know," she says. I can see some of that same pain reflected in her eyes. It's not the same as Clarke. But there is hope. Hope like Gina. Pain like Clarke. Strength like Raven.

"I care," she admits.

"Me too," I say.

I feel Echo lean closer to me. I know what is going to happen. She is tilting her face toward me. I tilt toward her too. I am leaning close when I think of one thought that stops everything.

Clarke.

I pull away suddenly, taking a breath and tilting my head down toward the floor. Shame hits my chest so hard I think I might scream but I don't. I hold my breath, looking down.

Echo breathes loudly.

"Are you okay?" she asks.

"Yeah. I'm sorry," I say, looking back at her face. She looks sympathetic but not angry like I thought she would be. She leans back in her chair and nods, almost to herself.

"Don't be," she says with a small smile.

"It's just…I'm not…I mean I just can't—"

"Clarke," she says.

I nod.

"You need time to mourn her and we need to be friends. You need a friend right now," Echo says.

"Maybe," I admit.

"I can wait," she says with a smile.

I smile back but I am not sure that I can ever get over Clarke. I am not sure that I will ever be okay with the fact that I never told her those three simple words.

"I'm sorry, Echo," I say. I turn to leave and then stop when I realize that is not good enough. She was being kind to me and I owe her more than that. "Thank you for understanding."

I make my way back to my room when I sit down by my desk and pull out a piece of paper.

 _Clarke,_

 _I miss you so badly but I want to feel that comfort again. You were there for me so much. Every time I was scared or sad, you were there. But I am alone up here and I don't know how much longer I can survive alone. I have a confession._

I wipe a hand down my face to rid myself of the tears that are falling from my eyes.

 _I almost kissed Echo. And I wanted to. I really wanted to. But I think I need your permission to be okay first._


	26. Chapter 26

Chapter Twenty Six

Bellamy

"You feeling okay, Murphy?" I ask, slapping my hand on his shoulder. He laughs, leaning forward but Emori gives me a disapproving look. I try to ignore her.

"Fine," he says. "Thanks."

"Anyone have any ideas why John almost died again?" Emori asks. I shrug, thinking of Clarke again. But in this instance, I am not the only one with her on my mind.

Echo enters the room, brushing my hand as she walks by with a smile. I smile back at her. We haven't tried to kiss since that night a week ago, but it's not as if I didn't want to. I just keep thinking about Clarke. She probably wouldn't approve. It's not as if they were friends and that's what's holding me back. The person that Echo used to be. I shouldn't be thinking about that since I wasn't exactly earth's most eligible bachelor down there. But all of my friends hated her before they came up here.

Echo sits down in her chair so I decide to sit down next to her. I get a pleasant expression out of it.

"I'm fine now. I rested. I'm good," he insists. Murphy is not one of those people that actually enjoys being the center of attention. Though, I think he likes that he has someone to worry about him. It probably reminds him of his parents in some way.

"Anyone remember their parents?" I ask. It's not as if we've talked about it much.

"I do," Echo says beside me.

I turn to her, which is strange because I still don't want to care. But I do. I do care.

"You've never mentioned them before," she says.

"No one ever asked."

"Well I'm asking. Who were they? What did they do?"

"My parents raised my brother first. He was five years older than me. He was raised to be a warrior. I was no different. When he was ten he was thrown into Izgeda guard. He died at fifteen fighting Trikru. My parents didn't care about much after that. They just wanted a good warrior for a child. So that's what I became," she admits.

"What was Aurora like?" Monty asks, looking to me.

"Beautiful," I say with a smile. "We was sweet and kind. She was strong, hiding her pregnancy and then hiding her birth. She taught us to be good all the time. I realized when I was older that she was teaching us to be kind but brave with ourselves because she was thrown around her entire life. She didn't make a lot of her own choices."

"What do you think she would've done on the ground?" Monty asks, as if he is thinking about his parents too. The father that he never got to say goodbye to. The mother that he was forced to shoot in the head and kill over again as an A.I.

"Been happy," I say. "I always used to tell Octavia stories about the ground. We always talked about what it would be like to take a walk through the woods."

There is no denying that I miss my mother. She was such a good person. She was such a truly beautiful person. She never deserved to die. She never deserved what I did to her.

"She should have been down there with us," I say. "She should have been there now. She should have met…" _Clarke._

But I can't say that.

"All of you," I finish.

But I paused. Everyone knows what I was going to say. I wish I could have introduced Aurora to Clarke. She would have liked her. She probably would have told her to stop worrying about everyone else. She would have told her that she was brave. Clarke would have liked her a lot too. They might have even been friends.

That thought makes me tremendously sad. I had three women to take care of and I failed them.

"I wish we could've too," Harper says. "She sounds like she was a really great person."

"What about your dad?" Echo asks.

"Beats me," I tell her.

"What?"

"We were a little out of it in terms of the normals," I admit. I try to remember the men that used to hang around my mom. I remember them all too well. The day that I tripped over the table and stumbled toward the guard. He was standing there with his hand on my mothers butt and I didn't do anything about it. If he could see me now, I would have destroyed him. I would have killed him.

Maybe he didn't deserve to die but I know my mom didn't like him, much less love him enough to be with him in that way. And I know she was. She pretended that I didn't notice when she left in the middle of the night and came back before Octavia woke up. She pretended that I didn't notice when she came home late from work with a disgusted look on her face and shaking hands.

"I don't know," I admit. "I can take a guess as to Octavia's father was but either way we didn't know them and they're both dead now. They wouldn't have mattered to us."

"Wait," Monty says. "You don't have the same father?"

I shrug. "I don't know."

"I understand all about dead parents," Harper admits.

"Why is that?" I ask her, leaning my elbows on the table and looking across at her. She keeps her hand on Monty the entire time. I wish I had someone like that. It makes me think of Gina, how she was always there and I never appreciated it the way that I should have. I am worried that I might do that to Echo too. Now that Clarke is gone, I might do that to any woman for the rest of my useless life.

"My father died because of heart problems when I was like fourteen," she says. "My mother was around but she was never quite the same again. She was unhappy in being alone."

I see Monty lean closer to her. I realize then that Echo is just as close to me as Monty is to her. I almost consider reaching my hand over and taking hers but I can't. I don't trust it yet.

"At least your mother didn't blame you for your fathers death and then drink herself into her own," Murphy says with a shrug. Emori gives him a look but it's almost as if he doesn't notice.

"What are you talking about? At least you had parents," Raven says. I always forget that she comes from complete dead beats. She doesn't act like it. She is too smart for them.

"My mom had me to take my extra rations to trade for moonshine or whatever else she could. My father was just one of her customers. I hate to admit it but I know it's true. One guy hung out with us a little more than the others. He was probably my dad."

"God, Raven," Harper says. "That sounds terrible."

"Yeah," Raven says. "But when I was seven the boy next door gave me part of his rations when my mom left me for more than two days."

"Who was that?" Emori asks.

"Finn," she says with a small smile.

"What ever happened to him?"

I smile, realizing that neither of them ever knew him, which is funny to people like us because we were so connected to so many others who are never going to be with us again.

"Lexa was going to torture him to death so Clarke killed him before she could," Raven explains. I can tell it hurts her to think that even before Finn died, he was in love with Clarke. What she never knew was that the night I was with her so long ago, it was not just for her. I didn't want to think about my best friend, someone I was falling in love with being with someone else either.

I look right into Ravens eyes, hoping that she remembers that night and somehow receives what I want to tell her.

"Wow. You all knew him?" Echo asks, looking to me.

"Yeah. I tried to stop her from going because I thought Lexa was going to kill her."

"Why did Clarke do it?" Emori asks. I look to Raven but she presses her lips together, as if she doesn't want to talk.

"Finn and Clarke were sort of together before I came down. He thought that I was dead. Anyway, she always seemed to be the one talking with Lexa anyway. I guess she figured she would listen to her."

"I guess that didn't work," Emori says.

"No it didn't. Lexa made Clarke kill her boyfriend and then Clarke slept with her. Beats me," Murphy says.

I try to hide my eyes widening.

 _Clarke slept with Lexa?_

"We're all too old for parents anyway," Echo says. I am glad that she changed the subject. I am still wondering how many girls Clarke did sleep with.

"Maybe," Emori admits.

"But it sure would be nice to have them around again," I say.

"Sure would be," Monty says.

We all sit in silence, thinking about the parents that we lost and the people that they led us to be. I bet they would have had no idea the people that we have become. I bet they would have wanted a better world for us.


	27. Chapter 27

Chapter Twenty Seven

Bellamy

"We're the only ones awake," Echo says. I lean back in my chair and hear the faint sound of machines running and the slightest movements of the ship as it creaks. It almost makes me smile. I tap my fingers on the table when I realize she caught onto something.

"You're thinking," she says.

I nod.

"What about?"

This is the third night that we have done this. We stay up just a little later than everyone else. Each of them have their own conversations, sing their own songs, have their own alone moments in their rooms but her and I stay out here. We are alone but it feels like we are surrounded. At any moment any of them could come out here and be with us. I think that is what makes us feel safer about each encounter. At least, I know that is what makes me feel safe about it.

"I used to listen to the sounds of Octavia breathing and the hallway. Whenever I could hear footsteps I would get so scared that they were going to come in and take her from me. I was worried they would kill my mom, take my sister and I would be alone," I admit. "One day that all came true…but it was my fault."

"I've heard the story and it wasn't your fault," Echo says.

I nod. I don't want to talk about that right now anyway.

"You took care of your sister a lot," she says.

"Yeah. Every night I would listen to the footsteps of the people on the outside. I thought for sure they were going to come in and take her or take my mom," I say.

I remember that one older guard. I remember when he came into our room a few nights. He would grab my mother's hand and pull her out of the room. Those were always the nights that she had Octavia sleep under the floor. I never asked her. I knew exactly what she was doing when the guard would take her hand. I would pretend to be asleep when he grabbed her ass and led her out of our rooms.

"Did they ever come in?" Echo asks.

"Not for my sister, no. One of the guards came in for my mom. She did a lot of things Octavia didn't know about to hide her, to get more food for her and to keep her safe," I admit. "They weren't great things. I hated that she did them at the time but now, it makes me think that she was brave…noble even for doing that to save us."

Echo gives a small smile that is gentle enough for me to want to lean closer to her. I have been doing this recently. I want to. It just hurts so much when I allow myself to take comfort in her touch, knowing that I will never again feel that with Clarke.

"Parents are brave people," Echo says. "They raise noble children…noble men."

I smile back at her.

"Did you call me noble?" I ask with my eyebrows raised. It feels good to want to joke. It gets so dull up here sometimes I think I might lose my mind. But laughing always makes it better.

"I guess I did," she says. "If only Octavia could hear that."

"If only," I agree.

My thoughts fall to my sister. My sister who is now leading a thousand people underground through yet another nuclear apocalypse. If there were ever a brave person it is her.

"If only my mother could see Octavia now," I say with a smile. "She would have no idea what to do with her. We always knew she was spunky. She was out of place. It would have made sense for her to want to be a grounder but their leader…I don't know. It just doesn't seem real."

Echo nods, pressing her lips together and holding her hand out across the table. I know what she wants. I want so badly to give it to her. I extend my fingers, flexing them out across the table so that they are just inches from hers. I can almost feel her moving toward me. But she would never push me into this.

"It is real. Your sister is going to be okay. She knows what she is—"

"Echo?"

"Yeah?"

"I don't want to talk about my sister."

Echo nods.

She flexes her hand out a little further. She rests her fingers out in front of me. I don't know what to do with them so I just look down and wait for her to make the move.

She reaches her hand toward me again.

I do it.

I make myself move. I put my hand in hers and follow her eyes. I can hear my heart beating in my chest. My fingers are shaking so badly that I am not sure I could write my own name.

We hold hands. We do it for several long seconds before I move my hand, looking down at my lap.

I can see her smiling out of the corner of my eye. I want so badly to smile back at her but I am too scared to. I am still thinking about what could have been and what has been.

I get up and nod toward the opening. She follows me over to my room. Hers is just down the hall a bit. I stand by my door. Before Echo can walk away, I grab her hand and pull her close.

"Bellamy," she whispers.

She looks so open and honest that I want to tell her every truth that I have ever felt. I don't. Instead I tell her one very hard, very cold, very brutal truth that I have been holding for a long time.

"I'm scared," I whisper.

She pulls away a little but this only scares me more. She notices and puts one hand on my chest. Our bodies are inches apart but not touching other than our hands.

"Don't push yourself," she says.

"Okay," I agree. "I won't."

I grab her around her waist and pull her body pressing against mine. I don't hesitate. I know that if I do, I will not do it. And I want to. I see her open mouthed expression and her long hair falling perfectly around her shoulders. I can feel her hand on my chest trembling. Her eyes look at mine longingly. I know what she wants. I want it too. It has just taken a while for me to admit it.

I kiss her.

I kiss her long and gentle. It feels so good. It warms me deep in my core. I hold my arms around her as we kiss for a long time outside my door. I lean back on it so that I can hold her body weight. Her arms go around my neck and down my chest. She kisses harsher than I do but I like it. Her movements are more aggressive, readier, as if she has been thinking or preparing for this before.

Finally, the kiss stops.

Echo smiles at me with a happiness I have not seen on anyone but Harper and Monty. I fear that breakable, unpredictable happiness so much that I actually squeeze her hand on accident.

"Goodnight, Bellamy," she says.

She drops my hand and I suddenly feel afraid.

" _Comarou_ ," I beg her. "Beja."

Come here. Please.

She turns back to me just as requested.

"I don't think we should do anything you don't want," she says. I smile, almost blushing at that. Normally I wouldn't. But it has been so long since I was last with a woman. If we have been up here for 3.5 years now, it has been over 2 years since I was with Raven.

"I know," I say. "I just wanted to say…thank you for being patient," I tell her.

She nods with a smile.

"I knew there was something about you from the moment you came back for me in that cage. You didn't know me. You thought I hated you and you came back to save me…that was something, Bellamy Blake," she says. "Now go to sleep."

"Yes ma'am," I joke.

She is gone but I don't feel sad this time. I go into my room without a sense of longing or sadness at all. I sit down at my desk and take out a pen and the back of my last letter.

 _Dear Clarke,_

 _Something amazing has happened. If you were here, I would tell you about it. I would probably make it sound cool or casual or stupid, knowing me. But this time feels different. When you were around, I was never with a woman the real way. Now that you won't ever be around again, I feel as if I have to learn. Anyway, she makes me feel like I am not dying anymore. She makes me see the light amongst so much darkness. She can never be you. But at least, I have her. I think that I don't want to throw this one away, Clarke. I had one serious relationship and it was while you were gone. I lost her. I lost Gina so quickly. I can't lose Echo. I'm going to hold onto her. I just want you to understand that I will never forget you._

 _Even just now when I kissed Echo, I know you were in the back of my mind._

 _Ai como time hod yu in._

 _I'll always love you._


	28. Chapter 28

Chapter Twenty Eight

Bellamy

"This is the fifth night in a row that we've sat our here alone, Bellamy," Echo says across from me again. This time we are both leaning over the table toward the other person. It is strange that it is almost natural for us to be closer.

"So it is," I agree.

"You think you are ever going to talk about yourself?" she asks.

I smile a little but I know she is being sincere. She wants me to tell her about all of it. She wants me to be just as real as she has been with me these last few years. But she knows that I can't be. There have been things going on in my life that no one can understand. I tried to let them understand when I slept with random girls from the 100. They were young and I was scared, seeking comfort and power. Then there was Clarke. When I was with her, even if she didn't know the truth, it was all okay. With Gina, everything was safe. Now…I don't know what this is.

"Maybe," I admit.

"You could tell me about your other girlfriends?" she asks. "I know that people say Clarke was never yours but…it always seemed as if you two were close."

I nod but then immediately get defensive. If Clarke were here, she would pretend as if she hated me and that she had nothing to do with our relationship. She would pretend we just worked together. She would make sure that no one could guess that we slept in each other's beds every night or that we held each other when we were scared or comforted each other when we were sick.

I remember it all. But no one else knows. Those memories are just that. My own secret memories for only me to know about, for only me to cry over.

"We were friends. We hated each other for a long time. Honestly, we just did whatever we could to keep our people alive. Sometimes that made us not like each other," I say. But what I won't tell her is that even on those days where we hated each other or argued or disagreed, when the nightmares came and I rushed into her room, she would never turn me away. When she woke screaming, I hold hold her in my arms until the crying stopped and she felt safe again. We never left each other alone.

At least, not until I left her.

Just that thought is so painful and dreadfully terrifying that I can feel someone squeeze their hand around my heart. It's so tight and scary that I have to blink and look to the door to keep the tears from pouring down my face.

"What about others? I am sure Bellamy had a girlfriend in his life, right?" she asks with a smile. Now I can tell that she wants to know but she is keeping the mood lighter. She knows that it hurts me to talk about Clarke. They all know. They just don't know how much.

"When we first came down, I slept with a couple of girls but it was never anything serious. I was the oldest one there. We were free from everything except for the elements and then eventually, the grounders." I can see a smile on her face that is almost mocking. "Anyway, it was stupid but it was something to do."

"And your people…they can't get pregnant?" she asks. I want to laugh about that but I can't. I know that her kind don't really know about our tech advances, even though we have been working together. It's not as if they really understand them. Emori has been trying. But she has been faced with trees and desserts all her life. She doesn't know what any of this stuff is. Luckily, she has a good teacher.

"They can. But when girls are a certain age they have contraception implants. They can't get pregnant until they have approval from their station and from their doctor. Then the implant comes out and the woman can have one child. After that, it goes back," I say. It sounds simple to me but I am sure the mechanics are much harder than that.

"How did you mother have more than one child than?" she asks.

"I have no idea."

That's the truth. But it feels like we got a little off track. She leans her hand over to mine. I don't stop her when she takes it. I want to stop her. I think about stopping her and then decide that I shouldn't. I should just let her hold my hand. I like it. It feels safe and warm. I miss being touched, sharing that feeling with someone else.

"What about Gina?"

I look up into her eyes. The smile is gone, replaced by a serious expression. Her mouth is slightly parted and her eyes are looking down, just enough that I can tell she is still looking at me. But there is something vulnerable about the way she is sitting forward. It's as if she doesn't want to know. She just wants me to talk about it.

"I miss her," I admit.

"What was she like?"

"She was kind and real. She was honest but she was always so nice. No matter how dark or bleak things got, she saw the good in it. She made me complain less. She made me see the light in the darkness. And believe me at the time, there was a lot of darkness. She was spunky and fiery around others but never to hurt anyone." I realize now that I did not appreciate her enough. I didn't even know her well enough. I should have made that effort. Maybe if I was with her now, I would be able to appreciate her. Now that I don't have Clarke and I never will again.

"She sounds like a wonderful soul, Bellamy," she says.

"She was. I never appreciated her enough. No one ever did. I didn't deserve her," I say, feeling the tears in the back of my throat choking me up. I cough a little, clearing my throat. But it doesn't work. My heart still clenches so hard I think I might cry.

"When Clarke was around…I was never with anyone. The second she was really gone I was with Gina. I never appreciated her because I couldn't. I was always thinking about what could happen to Clarke," I admit. I know I shouldn't be telling her that. But I want her to know. I want her to understand.

I don't want to talk about it anymore.

I get up and she follows.

"Let's go to bed," I encourage her. She walks me over to my room. She is going to go to her room eventually. I almost want her to leave me alone so I can stop talking about all of it but then decide that's probably just the fear talking.

"Bellamy," she says, standing in front of me. She holds her hand out in front of me. I take it as we stand here. I am not sure if I should not but I want the comfort.

"You think that Clarke broke you…that you can't feel complete without her. Now that she's gone, you're worried you'll never be the same again," she says.

I bite my lip and nod.

"That's not true," she says. "I know you think that it is but you can learn to love again."

As I watch Echo leave, I know she's right.


	29. Chapter 29

**THIS IS RATED M. THIS IS RATED M. THIS CHAPTER IS RATED M FOR SEXUAL CONTENT AND TALK OF SEXUAL LANGUAGE. IF YOU DON'T WANT TO READ THAT, WAIT FOR CHAPTER THIRTY. ALSO PLEASE LEAVE REVIEWS! THNAKS GUYS!**

Chapter Twenty Nine

Bellamy

We had been kissing for several minutes before I think of Clarke. I thought that I could get her out of my head. Once I felt like I got her permission, I realize how beautiful Echo truly was. We were the same once. I was once an outcast. No one from my klan wanted me. Just like Echo. Now there are no more klans. Only Wonkru. I wonder how Octavia is doing. That's when I pull away from her, pushing her hips from mine so that I am sitting beside her.

"Sorry," she says, putting her hand to her neck where I was ravishing just moments ago.

"Was that too fast?" she asks. That's the other surprising thing about Echo. She's actually quite in tuned with other people. She notices when I'm not with her or when I need a break from everything. She notices the times that I am so enthralled with losing Clarke and not knowing anything about my sister that I can't think for a few days.

"No. No. It was actually okay," I admit.

"Then why did you stop?" she asks.

I put my arm around her waist and pull her hips closer to mine. We sit there beside each other, our sides and hips touching. I open my hand to her. She puts it in mine as I guide her to the place that will give her her answer. I hide my reaction when she touches me, even over my pants. She removes her hand and I sit with a small smirk.

"Isn't that part of the point of this?" she asks.

"I guess."

"We don't have to do _everything_ right now. But you can trust me, Bellamy," she says, putting her hand to the side of my face. Her hands are still calloused. They are rough from the ground and remain that way from the fights we all pin in the room off of our common space. I lean close down to her hand.

"I trust you. I just…I'm not sure about that yet," I admit. I lay back, putting my head on the pillow and opening my arms to her. She looks confused.

" _Comere_ ," I tell her.

Come here.

She does, laying down with her head beside me and her hand in mine. We stare into the other's eyes in complete peace for a while.

"There is a good thing that came out of this ring," she says.

"What is that?"

"Peace."

She's right. We were at war for so long. Even though I constantly feel like I am without Octavia and Clarke, there is no war to fight up here. All we do is talk, play games, learn and become better people. Echo is right. It's time that we realize this place is good for us.

"You're right," I tell her, pulling her close so that I can kiss her forehead. She smiles when I do.

"Do you ever miss the ground?" I ask her.

"The trees…the woods, the flowers, the wind, the sun, yes. But the fighting and the klans and the warring and the terror, not at all. I loved fighting but up here, where we don't have to…"

"What? Is Echo saying that war is not all that it seems to be?" I ask with a smile.

"Maybe."

She leans over and kisses me again. I don't deny it when she throws her leg over my hip and sits on my waist as we kiss. She does this for a long time before I pull her face to the side so I can kiss along her neck, getting moans from her. I reach under her shirt to pull it off. She tosses it to the side revealing a perfectly defined body only covered by the black bra with strings along either breast and shoulder.

I wrap my arms around her back, holding her body close to me as she leans down to put her hand in my hair. I feel her body grinding on top of mine. I want her to keep going but part of me wants her to stop. I let it continue for several minutes, groping and touching before I feel her body become more intense. She puts her hands under the rim of my pants. I slow down in kissing and touching, even taking her hands from me so that I can hold them by my head.

"What is it?" she asks.

"Sorry. I just haven't been with anyone in a long time," I say.

"Me either. I mean, Raven, you and me haven't been with anyone since the ground. It's not like we have anyone up here…until now," she says with a smile. Then I realize that agreeing to that would have been a lie. I can't lie to her when we're trusting each other now.

"Not exactly since the ground," I admit.

"What?" She looks almost intrigued, which scares me.

"Raven and I might have been alone and angry at the world," I say with a shrug. "We realized that we did it before on the ground a long time ago and maybe it would work to make us less angry."

"Did it?" she asks.

"Not really. It didn't work for her the first time either," I say. With a look of shock and amusement on Echo's face I am sure that I am going to get it even worse this time.

" _Manik Denya,_ " she says with a smile.

"What?"

"A horny mistake."

I chuckle with her.

"When were you together on the ground?" she asks.

"Clarke slept with her boyfriend," I say.

The thought of Clarke tangled up with Finn still makes me nauseous. Clarke naked, wrapped in Finn's arms, calling his name. No. The poor kid is dead but he never should have been with her. He broke her heart. He wasn't gentle enough with her. I would have been. But I failed. I never got that chance.

"Wow," Echo says.

"Yeah, Raven and Clarke had an odd relationship,"

"Says the guy who has slept with her twice now for no reason and remains good friends," she says.

"Yeah…or Murphy, who shot her, paralyzed her and almost killed her. To be fair, she tried to kill him too and then lied for him so that he wouldn't get killed or arrested. Oddly, I think they protect each other now," I admit. We have formed strange relationships.

"The reason that you can't be with me…is it because you aren't ready to be with anyone?"

She said that she knew I loved Clarke. But I have never told anyone how I really felt about her. Of course, we loved each other. But no one knows that I have been in love with her since practically the moment we met. I can't admit that, even to Echo.

"I don't know," I say. "Soon. Let's just take it slow. We have nothing but time up here anyway."

She smiles.

"You're right."


	30. Chapter 30

Chapter Thirty

Harper

Two days over four years. It has been a long time since we saw the ground. Sometimes I think that we should talk about how long we have been here and how long we have to survive. But I know that talking about time hurts us. We also haven't had one of our meetings in a while. Talking about life seemed to help Bellamy. But now when someone talks about Clarke or Octavia, he gets uncomfortable. He isn't angry. It's almost as if he doesn't feel safe talking about it anymore.

" _Ai kom friznes en ere_!" Emori shouts, throwing her arms over chest and clumping up into a ball in her chair.

I am cold in here.

It's not as if this place is very warm.

"Pay attention, Emori," Raven says. "You need to connect this wire to the main occipital before you flip the main receiver. Otherwise, you'll short wire it and the memory will be lost. If you do that, you'll have to take everything on manually. That means too many switches for not enough hands and fingers working."

"Yeah, and I prefer all hands working," Murphy says, leaning against the wall across from us all. Bellamy and Echo have been talking for a while at the table. Maybe Bellamy feels guilty about Clarke because of Echo. They have been spending quite a bit of time in the others room recently. We have all noticed at this point. I don't think they are doing anything to hide it.

" _Shop op_ , Murphy," Emori says as she looks back to Raven.

Shut up.

I watch from behind. I don't know much but learning some basics might help us for decision making. The more we know, the more we might be able to survive this.

"Maybe you could pay attention to some of this stuff. It might be useful in the future," I tell him. He rolls his eyes.

"A grounder working with technology is an enigma, Harper. It's not natural."

" _Enya como time_ ," Emori mutters.

Always annoying.

"Pay attention," Raven says.

Emori and I look back to Raven as she moves gadgets around. I pretend to understand. I got the first part but then I missed something and now I am lost. Before I can ask about it, Monty turns the corner with a nod of his head. He opens his hand to me. I grab it and he pulls me over to him, wrapping me in his arms.

"Ai hod yu in," I say to him.

I love you.

"Back at you," he says with a smile. "I think."

"You should really learn Trig," Emori says from the command station. I look back to her, still wrapped in his arms. I find the most comfort anyone can feel when I am with him.

"Maybe," he says. "I try. But I'm not very good at it."

"Is there something you had for me?" I ask.

"Yeah…come on," he says.

I follow him back to our room. I am tugging on him the entire time, confused but also excited. It's not as if we get very many surprises up here. And most of the time if we do, they don't end very well. He opens the door and then we are inside our room, only nothing looks different.

"What is it?" I ask.

He grabs me around my waist and pulls me in for a kiss. I kiss him back passionately for several long seconds, intertwining our bodies together until he is pressing against me. I smile as I lean back, pulling away from him with a laugh.

"What are you doing?" I ask. "Was this just because you wanted to have sex again?"

He shakes his head.

"No. We can do that later. But look…" he says as he goes back to the wall of algae that he has put up in our room. We have one of the biggest rooms but that is because he partially has to keep his farm in here. I mean, I don't complain but I am tired of the smell.

He grabs some in a bowl and turns back to me, holding it out with a smile so cute and gratifying, it makes me want to kiss him. He holds it out in front of us both.

"What is it? Algae?" I ask again.

"I call it 3G algae," he says. "I added something…it doesn't matter but it means that it's going to have a few more vitamins and even make us feel fuller."

"Good. Though, I can't imagine ever feeling hungry for that stuff," I admit. "Sorry."

His smile only fades a little as he holds out the bowl to my lips. I nod and take a small sip. When I pull away I nod with a smile. I have to give him a smile because I don't want to hurt his feelings.

"It's better than before," I admit with a nod.

He smiles about that and then leans in to kiss me again. He rushes his hand around my waist and pulls me close, deepening our kiss a little longer. We both know what will happen if we continue this.

"I knew it. I knew the 3G would taste better. I knew I could make it. I have been trying for a while but this time, I am really gaining knowledge about the algae. I think that if I just change one more thing, it might develop faster!"

I kiss him quickly.

"You're so handsome when you're being a nerd," I say.

He sets the cup down and comes back over to me, keeping an arm around my waist.

"Do you want to go back out there and share with the group?" he asks. "Or would you rather…you know?"

He looks to the bed and then back to me. I nod, taking his shirt off and kissing him again.

Space isn't so bad when you share it with someone that you love so much. In fact, I like space. I like peace. And I love Monty Green for the rest of my life.


	31. NEW PUBLISHED BOOK

**Hello Everyone! I have just recently published my fourth book. If you like young adult fiction about teens trying to get through life, you will like my book, "My Socially Awkward Friends and I". It is about a group of people who are just trying to get through high school with some serious and mild problems of their own.**

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 **If you want to read young adult action based on fictional terrorist acts, please check out my other three books (series of three that is now complete): The Fight, The Battle and The War. You can look these up on amazon or find them under my name on amazon. Message me for me details.**

 **Anyway…read on!**


	32. Chapter 31

**A little rated M material. It's brief and not detailed but just a warning. Enjoy! Please review!**

Chapter Thirty One

Bellamy

 _Dear Clarke,_

 _I miss you just as much as the day you died. I know you will never receive these letters. You will never know that I wrote them. I never told you what I should have said a thousand times. I told you that I needed you. I told you that we needed each other. I told you that I liked working with you, that you were important to me. However, I never told you the real truth. I told you hundreds of truths when we were alone together but never the most vital one. I love you, Clarke. I realize now that it does not matter what kind of love it was or is. I just love you. I cared about you. I wanted to take care of you. I want to hold you in my arms again, being with you in every way that you want me to be._

A knock on my door.

"Yeah?" I ask.

"It's just me," Echo says as she opens the door. She closes it behind her as she enters. She walks to me, holding her arm out. I wrap my arm around her waist as I look up at her. I know she is reading what I wrote. I don't know if I want her to so I put my hand over it.

"Sorry," she says. "I didn't mean to pry."

"No, it's fine. I just…if she were here, they would be private conversations. It feels wrong to share them with someone else when she doesn't even get to hear them," I admit.

Echo puts her hand in my hair and leans down. I grab her body and pull her close to me. I pull her so that she sits on top of me. She smiles as she keeps her arm around my shoulder.

"Do you trust me?" she asks.

"Of course."

She nods.

"What have you been doing?"

"Trying to teach Murphy Trig. It's failing. Emori says he's a lost cause." She pauses. "She's been working with Raven."

"As always," I say.

It is sometimes like a regular home around here. Each of us are doing different things all day. We have a routine but sometimes we change it to have fun. We make life better whenever and wherever we can. Well, all except for Murphy. He mopes around a lot unless he's getting laid or in his room alone. I don't know what the hell he does there but he has got to be bored to death. We play games and try to talk about as much as we can because if we don't, we are just going to lose our minds.

"Do you want to get back to your letter?" she asks.

She has been really understanding how much I am grieving Clarke and how afraid I have been for Octavia. She knows that I have been trying to remember that I am here and not on the ground and not dead. I have been trying to live since we have no choice but to be here. And I am not afraid of being alone anymore. Not since Echo and I fell for each other.

"Just for a second," I say. "You can just sit over there."

She sits down on my bed as I look back to the letter. I know Echo won't read it.

 _Clarke, I know you would understand. The way that I understood why you loved Lexa and why you took comfort in Niylah. You needed something that was strong and peaceful without being toxic. Well I need you to understand that I need that now. Echo and I found each other in a cage. She made bad choices but she has grown. She is a peaceful, loving person now. She is still Echo, still a fighter and still a badass. But Clarke, I think you would like this Echo._

I take a deep breath, remembering that Echo is sitting a few feet from me. I blink the tears away. They still hurt because I still hate the fact that I will never talk to her again.

 _I am so sorry that I never told you in person. I won't make that mistake again._

 _Love,_

 _Bellamy_

I put the letter and my pencil in the drawer of my desk. I stand up, pushing the chair out of my way and stopping when I see Echo looking down at the floor. She holds out her hand to me. I take it, pulling her to her feet. I look into her eyes and know exactly what I have to say. It is hard to get it out but it is important.

"I have to tell you something," I say.

"Tell me," she encourages.

I open my mouth, trying to say it but then I shake my head. I don't know why I can't. I don't know why it feels strange to feel the words on my lips and tongue.

"I love you," she says.

My eyes go wide and my face probably looks shocked. I smile when I realize that she said it. She said it and she meant it. She has treated me that way for a while. She puts her arms around my waist and kisses me on the lips once. I am surprised so I barely kiss back. When I pull way, I realize that it is not as hard as I thought it was.

"I love you too," I say.

She wraps her arms around my shoulders, kissing me more. We kiss for several minutes like this as long and gentle as we can. I grab her around her body and kiss her neck. I pull her shirt over her head, making her moan when I kiss that sweet spot under her jaw. She grabs my shirt and pulls it over my head.

I pause with my hands around her waist. We stare at each other for a few seconds.

"What?" she asks.

"I think… I think I want to keep going," I tell her.

"Me too," she assures.

I wrap my shaking hands around her body and to the clasp of her bra. It comes off easily, removing it from her before she looks to me again. With shaking hands we remove each others pants and then stare, holding onto each other.

"I love you," I tell her.

"I love you too."


	33. Chapter 32

Chapter Thirty Two

Emori

"Ugh! Ah!" Raven shouts.

"Alright. Alright. We'll figure this out. Just calm down, Raven," I insist. She throws her headphones at the board in front of us. The crash into the screen and then topple onto the floor. I pick them up as she pushes her chair back, holding them in my lap until she finishes her fit of fury.

"I can't figure this out!" she screams.

"We will. We still have a year and a half before they get out of that bunker. We're going to be fine. We just have to—"

"No! No, Emori! I can't figure this out because I am only one person. If it were Sinclair or Wyck and maybe even Jaha working on this damn ship, maybe we could all put our heads together. But all I have is a god damned grounder!"

She slams her fist against the wall and then stands up, throwing her chair behind her and storming off. I watch as she leaves through the main entryway all the way back to her room. I sit in silence, staring down at the headphones. She's right. What can a Fikdreina possibly do with this kind of technology? I was born with nothing. I lived with nothing. And now I am expected to reach the levels that Raven has over years of being thrust into nothing but tech? No. This is stupid.

I feel tears push the backs of my eyes. I won't let myself feel that down. Not up here. I toss her headphones on the floor, staring at the machine in front of me. A few years ago, I would have thought this was nothing more than a table. Now I know how it works, how to change it, how to make it do what I want.

I know how to fix it.

But I don't know enough to get us back down to the ground. Everything that I know is because of Raven. She is the only one that can figure this out. And if she gives up, we all die in space.

I stand up, wiping my face off and deciding to go back to my room when I feel a hand on my arm. I thought I might at least attempt to avoid him. He squeezes me, turning me back around.

"Give her a minute to cool off. Raven tends to make hasty choices when she's angry," John says. "I don't want that wrath coming out on you with a chair to your face."

"I was just going back to the room," I tell him.

He sees right through me. He pulls my arm toward him and slips his hand around my waist, making me stay this close. In my anger, I want to push him off and run. But I will not do that. I won't hurt him just because Raven hurt me.

"What's wrong?" he whispers.

"You didn't hear?" I ask.

He looks clueless. He was probably playing a game up and down the hallways with Bellamy and Monty. They do this strange tag that pushups if you get caught. I have only ever played a few times. I think it is more fun to watch the men.

"Apparently I am nothing more than a stupid grounder, never going to be capable of doing anything useful around here," I say. He puts his hand on the side of my face.

"Sure you are. You are a grounder, Emori. But you are also Spacekru. One of us. And you are important. You have been helping Raven since we got here."

I don't say anything. I want to believe him but everything feels too harsh right now, too raw. I hate being rejected by yet another person. I have already felt so torn from everything else.

"Just let her cool off," he says again. "She'll be fine. She'll realize what she said and apologize. I know it."

I nod again.

I move to push him out of the way when I feel lightheaded. I almost fall back. John grabs onto my arm. I try looking at him but he is slowly becoming blurry, almost as if he might fade away soon. He is looking at me the same way.

"Wait. Something's wrong," he says.

I nod but can't manage to speak. My voice is caught in my throat. I hold onto my chest, trying to find a deep breath and nothing comes up. I walk back into the room and collapse over the table where Harper lays, gasping for air. I try to shake her. She turns her head and puts her hand to her throat. I grab her arm and pull her up with me. She stumbles but follows. The three of us make it back into the hallway. We stumble down as we feel ourselves losing the grip on where we are.

This is familiar. This has happened before.

"Oxygen," Monty says as we turn the corner.

He is standing with his hands on his knees, trying to catch his breath just like the rest of us. He gestures for us to come with him. We follow as he leads us out to the hall where we first came in a few years ago. He set up the oxygenator here.

I have checked on it several times. We do two checks a day just to be sure. I did the one before last. Who did the last one?

I can hardly form the ability to come up with that answer when I see Monty fall to his knees. He puts his hands on the generator and starts to work.

John grabs my arm.

When I turn to him, his eyes are wide and he is holding his chest. He gasps and then falls to his knees. I grab him as he collapses in pain, gasping, begging for more air.

"John!" I shout but it comes out nothing more than a pathetic whisper. I quickly realize that the others are not with us. Monty is trying frantically to fix the oxygenator. But he is failing. His hands are moving too slow and he is forgetting what he is doing already.

"What's wrong?" I ask.

He shrugs.

His face is solemn but terrified. Harper sits right beside him, her arm around his shoulders as her own eyes fade.

We need help.

Raven.

I kiss John on the lips once as hard and as passionate as I can. He grabs onto my arm when he looks into my eyes. There is fear on his face but I can't change that now.

"Raven," I say.

"Ai…hod…hod yu—in," he mumbles.

"I love you too."

I leave.

Each step takes more and more effort. But I am finally in Raven's room. When I open the door, I feel just as light headed but slightly more able to breathe. Raven is struggling as well but is not yet gasping. She has her hand to her chest as she looks to me. I nod toward the hall.

Raven gets the idea.

Anything that might have happened earlier is gone. All thoughts of death are on our minds once again. Whatever petty comments we might have made to each other are irrelevant now. Now, we just wish that we had never made them in the first place.

We hold onto each other's arms as we topple down the hall. She falls onto the wall for a moment so I grab her, pulling her back. We have to get back there or we are all going to die. She holds onto her bad legs as we stumble, feeling tired.

Once she sees the hall and knows where she is going, I let go of her arm. She looks at me with a question but I just nod. She needs to help Monty. I need to get Bellamy and Echo. I fall into their door.

Bellamy is holding Echo.

She is already unconscious.

My eyes go wide as I grab the other side of her. Together we carry her to the same hall the others are in.

Bellamy looks terrified, almost as scared as he was the day of Clarke's funeral. Almost. I try not to notice. When he is scared, we all are. He carries most of her weight but I help him as we make our way back to the hall. The oxygen is slowly seeping out of each of us. We are losing our grip on the world around our bodies.

We set her down on the ground. I rush over to the help Monty and Raven. Monty has his hand on the generator but is barely moving. If we don't do this fast, we will all lost too much oxygen and pass out like Echo. Harper grabs Echos arm as they both pull her toward the air vent.

I watch Raven and Monty work. But they are failing. They can't find the problem. They turned it off and on. It is running but the air isn't coming out. Something is clogged. Or something is blocking it.

I remember something Raven told me before about maintenance of the machine, something we haven't looked at. An inside vent. I open the machine up next to Raven, taking over. As I work, I try to remember exactly what she told me.

She realizes what I am doing and begins to help.

I hear gasping beside us. When I look, I find Harper's eyes rolling back. Monty lets go of the machine and catches her body as she falls over onto his lap. Her eyes roll back and she seizes until our good friend Harper becomes nothing but a body.

I want to panic but instead fix the problem. I work fast, begging this to work.

And then it's done.

I sit back, putting the door to back on and waiting.

I hear the small wind of the air coming through the vents again. I feel arms behind my back. I fall into John. I feel him kiss the top of my head as we hold each other.

I breathe again. I finally breathe.

"You said it in trig," I say with a smile.

"What?" he asks behind me.

"You said I love you in trig."

"Well…if we were dying, I wanted you to know that I tried."

I look over at Harper. She is breathing in Monty's arms. He is holding her with elation as she breathes again, eyes open, looking up at him.

"Emori," Raven says beside me.

I turn to her.

"I'm sorry," she says and then laughs, throwing her hand on my knee. "And thanks for saving our asses."

I put my hand on top of hers. John leans down to put his hand on mine. Soon we have Harper and Monty joining and then Bellamy, pushing a conscious Echo to our hands.

Here we are.

A family.


	34. Chapter 33

Chapter Thirty Three

Harper

I feel Monty's arm on me. His hands are shaking. When I look up into his eyes, his face is terrified and so incredibly sad. I want to grab him and pull him in my arms. I brush my hand down his face.

"What?" I ask.

"I…I'm sorry," he says.

"What are you talking about?"

"I should have known. I should have paid better attention. We were all almost dead because I couldn't fix the damn machine that keeps us alive! This was my fault."

He sits back, pushing me off of him. Bellamy still has Echo in his arms. I am sitting just inches away, wanting to pull him into my arms and tell him that everything will be fine. Raven is sitting beside me. I even see Emori wrapped in Murphy's arms. We all have something to be thankful for right now.

Why is he acting as if this was a crime committed?

"Monty, we're fine."

"Because Emori fixed it. I was the one that brought this thing here, set it up. If there was an error, it was because I did something wrong. This is my fault," he says again.

"No. This was no ones fault," Bellamy adds. Echo sits up, pushing herself off of Bellamy and against the wall beside him. He keeps his arm around her. She still looks tired. I wonder why it effected her so much more than the rest of us. Or maybe she just passed out first.

"Even if it was, it's over now. We figured it out, thanks to Emori. It's done. We should watch it more often. Make sure to clean it at least every other day. We'll be fine," Raven says.

It doesn't convince Monty at all. He still looks terrified. I put my hand on his shoulder. He lets me this time. I sit beside him, resting my head on his shoulder instead. I put my arm around his waist, pulling us close together. He lets his head fall so I catch him, cradling his head and torso in my much thinner arms.

"Monty?" I ask.

He buries his face in the side of my neck and cries. I can feel his shoulders shaking. I put my arm around him, holding him close to me. At first, I'm confused. I try to push away the fear that something is really wrong with him. I can hear his cries. We all can. They are scared, sad and disappointed cries. He is all of those things, all for himself.

"It's alright, Monty," I say again. "We're all fine."

I put my arms around him. He doesn't stop hiding his face. The shaking and fear doesn't stop either. Instead, it is intensified. I hold him to me, wanting to make all of that go away.

I glance at Bellamy.

He looks confused, but also afraid like me. He doesn't know what is wrong either. He pushes himself away from Echo and kneels right beside his friend. He puts his hand to his shoulder.

Monty looks to him, moving his head from me. There are tears on his face, that scared face that makes me wonder how much he has been hurting and not telling anyone.

"What's going on, man?" he asks.

"We're so happy up here. I almost ruined it," he says.

"You didn't. We all make mistakes."

Monty takes a deep breath. He looks angry with himself. He drops his hands in his lap.

"I let Jasper kill himself. I killed my mother. I killed everyone at Mount Weather. I—"

"So did I," Bellamy says.

"And so did Clarke," I remind them both.

"You guys let me get away with too much. I should be blamed," he says, putting his head back down again. I put my hand in his.

"Monty, we all have something to be blamed for. We made it out of this one. No matter what it is, no matter who did it, we will all work together to stay alive and happy up here," I say.

"No one is innocent," Bellamy affirms.

"But we can be better people, different people. We can make those choices," Echo says.

"We already have," I say.

Monty rests his head on my shoulder. Bellamy puts his hand on his arm, keeping it there as we all look to Monty together. When one of us feels down, we all feel it. We all work together up here. When Bellamy, was depressed, we all had to make him better. When Murphy was hurting, we worked to save him.

"No matter what happens, we are still in this together," Raven says with a small smile. "You did a hell of a job on a lot of things Monty. Even if this was your fault, or even if it wasn't, it doesn't matter. We always fix each other's problems."

Murphy coughs across from us. Monty says something but I am too focused on Murphy as he coughs again. This time, he holds onto his chest and gasps. Emori grabs his arm as he squeezes her. His eyes are wide with fear again. It's not that he can't breathe. We fixed that problem. He must have some other kind of problem.

"Uh… guys. Not to break up this pity party, but I'm not feeling so great," Murphy says.

He falls onto one of his hands. Emori catches him and then pulls him onto her lap. He coughs and then takes another big gasp of air again, gripping his shirt with his hand.

"What's going on?" I ask. "What hurts?"

Murphy taps his hand to his chest again.

"Is it a heart attack?" I ask, looking back to Bellamy.

Murphy shakes his head.

"It could be some kind of reaction from the lack of oxygen since he had a heart problem before," Raven says.

"But the oxygen is back on. None of us feel anything anymore," Emori says, still holding Murphy in her arms.

I know the feeling. Thinking that the person that you love is about to die in your arms or maybe you are about to lose your life in theirs. There is nothing but pain and fear.

"What do we do?" Emori asks again as Murphy clutches the back of her arm.

"I don't know," I say.

Bellamy mutters beside me.

"Come on, Clarke. What do we do?"


	35. Chapter 34

Chapter Thirty Four

Emori

"Emori, I'm fine," he assures. I put my hand to his forehead. No fever. No throwing up. He's not sick. The chest pain went away and then it came back a little bit later. It has been twice now. The second time, it was not as bad, but was still there.

"I'm sure it was just from the lack of oxygen. It's gone now," he says again. I don't believe him. But it's not as if we have a doctor or anyone to help him. We are alone up here.

"What?" he asks.

"Nothing."

"Come on," he says, pulling my arm down toward him. I lay beside him but I try not to let him pull me on top of him like I know he is trying to do. I don't want to hurt him.

"What's wrong?" he asks.

"John! We just ran out of air within minutes, I had to fix the damn generator, Monty had a mental break down and you almost had another heart attack!"

He gives me a very small smile and puts his hand behind my head. He starts pulling me closer than before, kissing my neck. I let him until I realize what he is doing. He kisses down my chest and then back up my chin, putting his arm around my waist. He grabs onto my leg, throwing it over him so that I am right above him now. I don't put any of my weight on his chest. I am still worried.

"Emori," he says, pleading.

I sit in silence, giving him a disapproving look.

"I was just in pain. This makes me feel better," he says with a smile. I shake my head but I can't help smiling back.

"I should get back to Raven. She'll want help. We need to figure out how to get back down to the ground in less than four months when the bunker opens."

We have been trying everything. There is no fuel. Landing the ring will end with it crushing and us all dying. We have tried finding the parts that would not collapse like when the Arc came down. But that won't matter either. It's a ring. It can't go through the air and space without an extreme amount of resistance. In some cases that might be helpful. But too much resistance, it would take too long and by the time we got through the atmosphere, we would go plummeting toward earth, unable to stop the impact.

"I want you, Emori," he says again.

"I know."

"So be with me," he says.

I shake my head but keep a smile on my face. He puts his arm around my back and pulls me close. I rest my head on my shoulder and kiss the side of his neck.

"I love you," I tell him.

I can almost hear his smile when he talks.

"I love you too," he says.

He puts his hands down my back and then on my butt. He squeezes me and tries pulling my face toward his. I let him kiss me for several seconds. Soon he is pushing his pants down and gripping my thighs, trying to pull me where he wants.

"John," I say. He pulls me close and then tries to unbutton my pants. I grab his hand and put it above his head, holding him there. I make him look at me, stopping all movements. "John. Stop."

He stops when I tell him. He looks at me with some confusion and a little bit of annoyance.

"I just don't want you to be hurt," I say.

"I won't. If you do it, I can—"

"Please. Just wait until tomorrow, when you're healed."

He looks momentarily worried. He puts his arms around my waist and holds me close to him.

"What?" I ask. "What, John?"

"Nothing. I just…I'm worried that…I don't know. Never mind," he says, leaning up to kiss me again. I pull back so that he can't. John rests his head back on the pillow.

"Tell me," I say.

He rolls his eyes. I know that he wants to avoid it. He will probably even try to get me to talk about something else before he answers the real question. He gets so worried and then just shuts down. Some people don't realize that John is a person too. He has feelings, even if they are buried pretty deep down.

"Everyday up here, we're getting used to feeling content. But we shouldn't be. One day something is going to happen. The oxygenator will go or the water replenisher or we'll fall out of the sky. Something will happen at some point."

"John," I warn.

I want to tell him that everything is fine and none of that will happen. But we both know that I am wrong. Any of that could happen. We could all die within minutes.

"You're right," I tell him. "Something might happen and all of us will die eventually, probably not from old age like it should be. But John, we have each other up here. Being content and happy up here is okay. We're safe here, even if it's just for now."

"Then be with me, Emori," he says, putting his hand behind my neck in my hair. He pulls off the bandana on my head and tosses it on the floor. He puts his hands in my hair.

"I don't want this to end," he says. "Ever. Be with me."

I nod, understanding what he means now. If we could die tomorrow, we should be together in every way that we want right now.

I kiss him along his lips and chin before I pull his shirt off.

"How did a woman like you fall for a cockroach like me?" he asks.

I smile before kissing him again.


	36. Chapter 35

Chapter Thirty Five

Bellamy

"What is this stupid game?" Emori asks.

"I cannot believe you guys have never played this game before! It's so much fun!" Harper says. We all sit back in our various seats around the table. Lately, I have been nothing but bored around here. Echo and I have been getting closer but nothing passes the time anymore. We were supposed to go back down a week ago. And we have nothing. Raven and Emori have been working on it every second but we don't have anything.

"I checked this morning, they still aren't living on the ground yet," I say. "And no one has tried to contact us. What's going on?"

God, I hope everything is okay. My sister should have gotten them all out of there by now. They should be able to live all over the ground. So far our Eden is nothing but a valley and we can't see any signs of movement or life. We have had no contact. When the five year mark hit, it was like every other day. It has been the same since then.

"Come on, let's just forget about all of that right now," Harper says. Monty smiles and puts his arm around her. He hasn't been too disappointed about not being able to get back down to the ground.

"Octavia should have been talking to us by now. I have been waiting five years to talk to my sister, Monty," I say. He looks offended but then leans back in his chair too, looking irritated.

"He was just trying to distract you, Bellamy," Harper says. I nod toward her. I know she is right.

"Sorry. She's the only family I have left and I just don't want to give up on her after a few days, but I don't understand—"

"Hey," Echo says, putting her hand on my shoulder. I look behind me to find her with a sympathetic and honest expression. She squeezes my shoulders and then sits beside me.

"We're your family now," Raven says.

"Right," Echo agrees.

"All of us," Emori says.

I nod. I don't want to tell them that Clarke was my family. I don't want to tell them that she was the one I was talking about. So I stay quiet to avoid the pain.

"Alright, let's just play the game," Murphy says.

"Oh, so you want to play a stupid game but you won't help me when I have oxygenator duty?" Emori asks him. They have been arguing more than they have been agreeing lately. I want to tell them to appreciate their person is alive but I decide not to.

"Emori, let's keep our personal affairs personal, shall we?" he asks.

"Actually, this game is the opposite," Harper says.

"What?" Murphy asks.

"One person says something they have never done and then everyone else has to put a finger down if you have done it. We used to do it with alcohol but since we can't afford getting drunk up here, we'll just do it that way," Harper says with a smile. She almost looks excited. At least someone around here is happy.

"Why are we doing this, again?" I ask.

"Because we need a distraction and it might actually be fun," she says. "We're all worked up over not going down to the ground yet so let's just pretend we don't have to. We should have played this game ages ago. I swear, it's fun."

I try to believe her. She is just trying to make feel better.

"Who wins?" I ask.

"The innocent. It's the person at the end who still has fingers up. People are eliminated until one person remains."

"And what does that person get?" Murphy asks.

"Oh, please, John! Everyone knows you won't win," Emori says with a very small smile.

"Everyone else does their chores for the day," Harper says with a shrug. I shrug too and then sit back.

"Could be fun," I admit.

"I'll go first," Murphy says, sitting at the edge of the table just next to ours. He leans back on his hands.

"Never have I ever killed an innocent," Murphy says.

"Yes, you have!" I say back.

"Name one!" he shouts.

"You killed all those guys when we first got down here! Connor, Miles!" I say.

"Hey!" Harper shouts.

"Those guys weren't innocent! They hung me!" he shouts. "I didn't kill everyone in Mount Weather."

I look to Harper, sniffle and try to hold back the emotion that is pressing on my chest. I put a finger down and then look back to Murphy. I want to tell him off, order him to play this stupid game fairly.

"I did that for good reason," I say.

"I know," he says. "I'm not denying that you didn't. I'm just saying that I didn't do it. It's a game, Bellamy."

I want to ask Emori what is up with him today or why he is being such a jerk again. I decide not to. Monty puts his finger down and then Harper, Emori, Echo and Raven.

I raise my eyebrows at Raven but she just shrugs.

"My turn," I say. "Never have I ever shot one of my friends."

Raven turns around to look at Murphy. He rolls his eyes but puts his finger down. Now everyone has one down, though I am not sure if Raven really should. Echo has two.

"Never have I ever taken the chip," Monty says.

Emori, Echo and Raven.

"Guys, can we make this a little bit more fun?" Harper asks. "I know we're all in bad moods, but it's supposed to be fun."

"Never have I ever got convicted of a crime on the ark," Emori says with a shrug.

A couple of us smile at that at least. That is better than getting each other for criminal reasons.

Harper, Monty, Murphy and me.

"Never have I ever hung someone," Raven says. Harper gives her a look but she just shrugs. I look over my shoulder to Murphy. I watch as he puts his finger down and I do the same. I am not surprised when Echo does the same thing.

"Okay, my turn," Echo says with a grin. "We want to make this fun, right? I say, we make it fun. Never have I ever slept with one of the hundred."

I look to her and give her a grin. Echo shrugs.

"You weren't one of the hundred," she says.

I nod. But I put a finger down.

"Who?" Echo asks.

"It would be easier to ask who he didn't sleep with," Murphy says.

"Whatever. You had your fun too, Murphy," I tell him.

"Clarke," Raven says. "He didn't sleep with Clarke."

"Or me!" Harper says with a smile.

I shake my head. Maybe this game could be fun.

"Well, I didn't sleep with any of the 100," Murphy says. "But I think she got you two." He points to Monty and Harper, who agree but then over to Emori. "Sorry, babe."

She puts her finger down too.

"Never have I ever slept with a grounder," Emori says. I find that strange but a finger down. It only gets Murphy, Echo and I.

"My turn!" Harper says with a smile.

"Looks like Bellamy's not so innocent," Murphy says.

"Never have I ever slept with more than one person in this room," she says, looking around the room.

Raven looks to the ground but I look at her. She doesn't move. She doesn't speak. She doesn't even do anything. No one else puts a finger down. I breathe deeply.

"If we're telling the truth," I say and put a finger down. That's six for me. Everyone looks to me and then the other girls in the room.

"Don't look at me," Harper says. "I already said it wasn't me."

They look to Emori.

She shakes her head.

Raven looks up at the crowd and then puts her finger down.

We get a roar of laughing and surprise from our family. They give us confusion and shake their heads.

"I sense a story attached to that one!" Murphy says. I shrug.

"The first time, I was angry and he was horny," Raven says.

I give her a look but then nod. "Yeah, and the second time it was the other way around."

Everyone roars in laughter.

Maybe this game is fun.

"Alright, alright. That's enough of that," Monty says. "My turn. Never have I ever had sex in the woods."

"What if we were in a tent?" I ask.

"Was the tent in the woods?" he asks.

I nod.

"Put that finger down!" he says.

"Never have I ever kept my love for someone to myself," Harper says with a smile.

I look to her and shake my head. Hoping that no one is looking at me, I put my finger down.

"How about this one? Never have I ever been kicked out of a society," Raven says with a smile. She gets every single person other than herself, which allows us to give her good credit for that one.

"I have one," Murphy says. "Never have I ever had a sister."

Just me.

"I'm out," I say.

I watch as they finish playing. Murphy and Echo are out next. Monty and Harper are pretty equal, followed by Emori and Raven wins. We all have to manage Raven's chores for the rest of the day. But it doesn't matter. It was a few minutes when we were kids again, when we were allowed to be kids again.

I just wish that Clarke was there to be a kid again too.

Scores as of when Bellamy was out:

Harper: 4

Monty: 4

Raven: 3

Murphy: 6

Me: 10

Emori: 4

Echo: 6


	37. Chapter 36

Chapter Thirty Six

Bellamy

There she is. Clarke.

She's a bit older than the last time I saw her. Her golden hair is still beautiful in great long locks. But her face is thinner, her bone structure is more sound. Each line on her face shows me another thing she had to go through without me. Her body is stronger, a bit thinner than before because she probably has been eating nothing but radioactive cockroaches since we left her.

Since I left her.

But there she is.

She is standing right in front of me. I feel like crying, grabbing her, holding her and never letting go for the rest of my life. But then I notice something strange, something different about her. She is tilting over on her own body. She is holding onto her stomach, leaning as if her stomach is hurting. I take a step closer to her but she puts her hand out toward me. The free hand. And when she does, it comes away from her side with blood dripping from her finger tips. Her other hand remains on her stomach, putting some pressure on it. I can almost see her effort.

I attempt to get closer to her.

She puts her hand out again, almost as if warming me away. But then she coughs, chokes and holds onto her own stomach. She steps away from me, like she's stumbling.

"What is it? Clarke, what's wrong?" I beg.

She doesn't answer. It's like she can't. She stumbles backwards again, coughs on some blood and then spits it up. She spits some blood out, choking on it. She puts her hand back to her stomach so now both of them are pressing down on her abdomen.

Blood seeps through her fingers and drips down her hands onto the ground. The grass. There is grass. I look up for the first time and see a beautiful clear blue sky with white puffy clouds. I love to look up and see sky instead of an endless pit of darkness. There are trees around us, brush and bushes. The greenery almost makes me smile. Then I see the red blood pooling around Clarke's feet.

"Let me help you!" I shout. "I can help you!"

I run over to her, grabbing her body and wrapping my arms around her. She lets me because she does not have the strength to push me away. She starts to fall, her knees bending and giving out. I grab her as she collapses onto the ground with me holding her weight. I guide her to the ground with my arms around her fearful body.

"Come on, Clarke," I say. "Just let me help you."

But I am panicking too. I don't know how to stop the bleeding. I do not know how to get her help. She is always the one that handles these sorts of things so how am I supposed to fix her?

"Clarke," I whisper.

"It's okay," she says to me. There is a smile on her face.

When she moves her arm away from the wound, her guts are falling out of her abdomen. I can see her intestines. Her stomach is falling out. Blood and pink flesh are falling out of the skin that is no longer in tact. But Clarke is looking only at me. She is afraid, shaking even in my own arms. But she is looking at me.

"Bellamy," she says. "I would rather it happen this way."

"What are you talking about?" I demand. "Come on, Clarke. Just keep talking. We'll get you some help."

I don't know where help may come from. I don't know if there is help coming at all. I can't even remember who else I was with or how I found Clarke here. Of course I would have been with her. But who else would I have been with? Where are they? Maybe I sent some other people out to get help for her. Why don't I remember?

"I want it to happen this way. At least this way, I get to say goodbye," she says with a smile.

"What?" I demand. "Don't do that. Please don't do that. Don't go anywhere. Don't leave me. I still need you around. Everyone still needs you around."

"I'm done, Bell. It's okay. I would rather say goodbye than feeling nothing at all. Goodbye, Bellamy. It has been an honor knowing you. And it is an honor dying in the arms of a man that I love. At least now, I am the furthest from alone that a person could be," she says.

Her eyes close.

But mine open.

I sit straight up when I realize where I am. Echo is laying beside me in a tight tank top. She turns back over to her side, facing away from me. I sit at the edge of the bed and put my hands in my hair. I push my sweaty hair aside. If I had her here with me, she and I would hold each other until the terror went away and the morning came. We would walk outside and start thinking up strategies to deal with Ice nation or a way to get us all off of the ground. Or maybe one of the thousand ways we needed to save the bunker. I can remember it all happening. It would distract us from that pain that we felt in our dreams.

Here, there is no distraction. There is only pain. But worse than any of that. Here, there is no Clarke.

"Bell?" I hear.

I turn around to see Echo sitting at the edge of the bed. She puts her arm around my shoulders and kisses my cheek. I don't care. I don't even look at her. I look down at the ground and breathe heavily. I know she is only trying to help.

"What was it this time, Bellamy?" she asks in a sad tone.

"Nothing," I say.

Her dark eyes are sad but also concerned. She tilts her head to the side and holds out her hand. I don't take it. I just shake my head, warning her that I really want to be alone on this one. If I agree to have her give me comfort, it's like I'm betraying Clarke. I'm ignoring everything that she ever did for me and I'm allowing someone else to give it to me as if it were the same. But it is not the same.

No one could ever be Clarke.

"Was it Clarke?" she asks.

I nod.

"Leaving her was the right choice. It saved us all. She saved us all, Bellamy. You know that is exactly what she would have wanted you to do. One day you'll have to stop beating yourself up over it," she says.

"Echo, I like you," I say. "I like being with you and I trust you. I know you're right. But right now, I can't think about anything else. She died for me. I was supposed to be with her."

"What?" she asks.

"I was supposed to be with Clarke the moment she died. I should have been with her," I say.

"Bellamy," she says, putting her hand to my arm. I pull away. I do not want her touch. Her touch feels odd and strange. Her body is close to mine but too close. She is trustworthy. She is just not the person that I want her to be.

"I need to be alone, Echo," I say.

She nods and gives me a small smile. She leans over and kisses my cheek, keeping her hand on the side of my face for a long moment before pulling away.

"It's alright, Bellamy," she says. "I understand."

"Thank you," I mutter.

Just as she is leaving, I get out a piece of paper and my pencil. I feel tears welling up that I have not felt in a long time. I used to get so angry and upset at crying. But this time, I don't. I just let it happen. I let myself feel the real terror of her passing. She must have felt so alone and abandoned. She deserved so much better.

I write it down. I write it all down. I write down everything that I have ever felt and everything I think I will feel.

At the end of it all, I don't feel any better for sending Echo away. But at least, I am alone.

At least now, I can be alone with Clarke.

All night I sit in the same place, talking to her. I hope to god that she hears me. I really need her to hear me.

"And Clarke…I have said I'm sorry a thousand times. I don't want to say that anymore. I want to say that I love you and I wish you were here."


	38. Chapter 37

Chapter Thirty Seven

Harper

"Come on, Monty," I beg him.

"No, Harper. I'm not talking about it again. We're safe here! I told you that yesterday! We have water and food and a family. We have a family here, Harper. You and I…we've been so happy for so long. Why would we go somewhere we know nothing about just to go back down to the ground? We don't even know who these people are! They could destroy us!" he shouts. Monty almost never shouts, especially at me. I take a small step toward him and put my hand out.

He takes it carefully in his shaking hands and holds it closely to him. His face is scared, like he is staring at something unknown.

"Monty, I want to go back home."

"I'm your home, Harper," he says in a voice so sad I can almost hear his tears. I put my hand on his face gently.

"I know. But I want to go back down to the ground. I want to see our other friends. You know Bellamy is not going to let Octavia be down there by herself for a second longer. He is going to leave. Echo is going with him. Raven wants to use her technology and I don't think she can go without Emori. That means Murphy will go."

He is looking at me but clearly waiting for me to get to the point.

"We would be the only ones here," I finish.

"And?" he asks. "Is that so bad?"

I don't know how to tell this to him without hurting his feelings. Of course I want to stay up here with Monty forever. Of course I love him enough to be alone with him. But I want more adventure than this. I want to be with our best friends. I want to follow my family where they go.

"Monty, I need to be with them. I need to be with all of them. I am not going to stay here. I need you to understand and I need you to come with me," I beg.

He sighs but then gives me a small nod.

"One condition," he says.

"Anything."

"Marry me," he says.

My face must show as much shock as I feel in my heart. I put my hands on my chest in shock and look at his hopeful face. My smile is hard to hide. My smile is so big it takes over every other emotion going on in my body. I never thought anyone would ask me that. I never thought I would live long enough to feel this for someone else.

But he is serious.

"Yes! Of course!" I shout, throwing my arms around his neck. I can feel his smile and his tears of joy as he wraps himself around my body and holds tightly onto me. We hold each other for a long time. I do not know how much time passes before he separates from me just enough to see my face. I brush tears from my cheeks as I smile.

"If we were on the arc, we would request to have the same living quarters, we would have a small ceremony and promise to be together forever. Do you promise to love me until our final journey to the ground?" he asks with a smile so beautiful and happy that I want to kiss him and hold him close to me forever.

The answer is easy.

"Yes!"

Then I ask him the same question in a shaking, soft voice. I have to bite my lip to keep from crying as I ask.

"Yes," he responds.

He leans forward, puts his hand behind my head in my hair and pulls me close. His gentle touch pulls me close enough to kiss. Then our lips meet softly and we lose our love as we melt into each other.

After a few long moments of complete peace, I pull away.

"What?" he asks.

"What does this mean for us?" I ask.

"It means I'll go anywhere with you, Harper," he assures. "But that also…wherever we go, I need us to find peace there. I don't want to fight forever. I just want to feel the same amount of love that we have the whole time we have been up here."

"And we will," I tell him. If he wants me to be with him forever, then I will agree to have a family and life where there is nothing but chaos and war. When we go back down to the ground, it is not going to be like it was up here. But he wants us to find that anyway. I will have to promise it for Monty. But truthfully, I want that too.

"I love you, Harper," he says.

"I love you too."

"We're going to find each other no matter where we go. We're going to have a beautiful life, Harper. I want to stick by what we believe and one day…I want to have a family with you."

"Monty," I say, putting my hand on his shoulder so he has to look at me. His eyes are watery but so hopeful I don't want to shoot him down. I want to hold him close and never let go. But I am afraid to.

"I don't know if that's…Monty, I don't think—"

"Yes, we can. One day there will be no pain, no war and no hate. We will find a place of our own, no matter where it is. We can leave if we have to do. We could even come back here and we will have a life of our own. We could have a family that we always wanted, Harper. We could have it," he says. His voice is so hopeful and proud that I can almost see it. A little baby in our arms, someone we could hold and play with and teach right from wrong. A beautiful child that we would always have together no matter what happened in the world.

"We could do it," I assure him.

"Yeah?" he asks.

"Of course, Monty. Of course I want to have that kind of life with you," I promise.

He pulls me in for another hug. I rest my head on his shoulder for a long time.

"All passengers, the ship is leaving the station. Let's get back to the ground. Be ready in fifteen minutes," Raven says over the intercom. I pull away a little so I can see his face. He is scared but less so than before, which makes me slightly happier.

"We need to get back down to the ground now, Monty," I tell him.

"Let's go back home."


	39. Chapter 38

**Hello everyone! I hope you enjoy the last chapter of this tale! Partial credit to Jamie Campbell Bowers CAER for some of the quotes in here. Thanks! Enjoy!**

Chapter Thirty Eight

Bellamy

This is going to hurt. I just know it. But I have no choice. I have to do this one last time before we make it down to earth. I have a few minutes before I'lll have to leave. I haven't told anyone, even Echo that I am scared that Clarke's body will be there. What if it's mangled? What if she made it back to the bunker and died there? What if I find her?

Oh god.

I almost throw up. I have to swallow back bile as I make myself sit down. Her body is probably gone. That is what I am going to tell myself until I see differently.

My hands are shaking. They haven't been this bad in a while. I want to go back down to the ground. I want to go back home and see my sister. But I had such peace here. I felt so much nice, goodness up here with my new family. Going back down to the ground will make me think of her all over again.

 _Dear Clarke,_

 _I love you. You already know that because I have told you a million times in these letters. What you don't know is that I chose to love you in silence. I found no rejection or terror in the silence, for you could not respond with denial._

 _But then I was alone and I realized that loving you in silence hurt me more than loving you aloud. I was scared. I chose to love you in silence, where there was no rejection. I chose to love you in my dreams as well. In my dreams, you were with me in ways that you had been with Lexa and Niylah and Finn before. But it was just you and me, Clarke._

 _Could you imagine it? Could you imagine the beauty that we could find in each other if I would have been braver? What if I would've told you the truth? That first day when I saw you coming off of the ship and you were trying to keep everyone alive. You had everyone else's best interest in mind. Instead of acting like a cowardly jerk, I should have told you the truth. I should have told you that I love you._

 _I should have told you that I don't want to love you in silence anymore. I want to love you out loud for the whole world to know._

 _But I loved you too early. You weren't ready for me. And I fear that now, you never will be._

 _With all my love,_

 _Bellamy_

I have to make my peace with knowing that I am not going to make it further here. I know that we have to get back down to Earth. I'm terrified but part of me wants to see my sister. I have been thinking about her so much the closer we get to leaving. I wonder how much she has changed. I wonder how much she is the same little girl that used to play with games with me and hide under the floor.

The way she was acting before I left, I didn't know that little girl could turn into Skairippa one day. But she so easily fell into the trap of hatred and loathing. She was turning into someone who hated everything that came toward her. But I saw part of her wanted to be good. When she left with Illian, part of me wanted her to stay safe.

But now I'm concerned again. What if being in charge has made her the kind of person that I was? I killed so many people because I thought it was for the greater good. I took away lives and justified it so many times over and over again. In the end, I still lost the one person that I wanted to stay close to me.

I lost Clarke.

It was my fault and I lost her. Now I have to accept that I am going back down to the ground to lead my people once again and Clarke won't be with me this time. I wonder if Octavia will have a hold on her people. I wonder if they will still be following her or if she will need my help to bring them back to Eden.

I guess we will find out.

"Hey," I hear at the doorway.

It's Echo.

I flip the letter to Clarke over on the desk. She looks down at it with a small smile that makes me feel bad for the women that I have used for so long. She wants to help me so badly but she will never be the person that I always want.

I do love her. I care for her. I even want to keep her safe, as she has kept me sane the amount of times I have broken up here. But she is still not what I need.

"Hey," I say.

"You ever going to let me read any of those?" she asks.

I shrug.

"I think they're going to die with the ship," I admit.

She nods and puts her hand on my shoulder as she leans toward me. I let her. I rest my head on her shoulder and she leans close to my body so we can find comfort in each other when there is no comfort in this terrifying world. We pull away and stare at each other.

"I love you," she says.

It makes me smile.

"I love you too," I say back, squeezing her hand.

"We should go," she says.

"We still have a few minutes," I tell her with a sly smile on my face.

"Thirty before Raven will actually drag our asses off of this ship," she says with a laugh.

She's right.

"I only need ten," I whisper in her ear, pulling her shirt over her head and kissing her neck. She grabs my hair and starts kissing me back. We do this for several minutes.

I find myself lost in loving Echo. I don't think about Clarke until it's all over and we're putting our clothes back on. That is when I think about her, when Echo leaves the room and I tell her I'll be right behind her.

I look at that letter one last time.

"Alright, Clarke. I'm going to make you proud."

I feel a tear trickle down my face as I take a deep breath.

"I promise."


End file.
